Deep Within
by mystasia
Summary: A lifeturning event occurs at the Aoiya. Old enemies resurface. Misao faces the choice of facing her past demons. Or beginning a new life.
1. Deep Within: Prologue

### Deep Within

By [Jen][1]

_Don't leave me alone in this pain_

_Don't leave me out in the rain _

_Come back and bring back my smile _

_Come and take these tears away _

_I need your arms to hold me now _

_The nights are so unkind _

_Unbreak my heart _

_Say you'll love me again _

_- Toni Braxton, 'Unbreak my Heart' _

# Prologue – 'This is My Chosen Path' 

This, I can say with much certainty, is my last entry. In my own opinion I have lived a full life. In my eighteen years of living, I have known all emotions. Trust, betrayal, sorrow, happiness, love, and hatred. I have experienced it all. I have lived my life to the fullest. Born to the family of the leaders of the Oniwabanshuu, I was a ninja from my birth. After my parents, grandfather, and brother's deaths, Jiya and Aoshi-sama had tried their hardest to keep from living life as a ninja. They tried their best to help me lead a normal life. Their mission failed. At the age of sixteen, I became the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. Declaring the one I loved more than anyone, as our enemy. Aoshi had come back to us after so long, after so much suffering.Aoshi had come back, but this wasn't my Aoshi-sama. No this Aoshi was a stranger to me. Gone is the okashira I had looked up to, the one I had grown to love. Oh yes, I love this Aoshi too. In fact I love him with all my heart. I gave up my happiness for him. But does he care? Does he thank me? Does he love me? No. He never could love. He never could smile. Not for me. Not for my sake. He loves Yuri-san. He smiles for her. He cares for her. Not me. Her. Yet I cannot hate her. Nothing I can do would make me despise her. She is a wonderful woman, kind, gentle, and beautiful. I on the other hand can never compete with her. Never can I hate her. Even if her appearance here has caused me nothing but grief. 

Aoshi's rejection of my love is still fresh in my mind, the wounds have not yet healed on my heart. But every passing day it gets bigger. I began to wonder if I have become invisible. No one seems to notice my distress, the change in my attitude, or my loneliness.They are too busy. Too busy being charmed by Yuri. I've lost my only family that I have left. Jiya, Omasu, Okon, Shiro, Kuro… Aoshi-sama. I've lost them all. My existence seems to not matter anymore. They do not see me anymore. Their attention now focused on Yuri. This is the day I will do it. Nothing or no one to stop me. I have tried so many times before, but failed. I never could bring myself to do it. I am weak. I hate myself for being so weak. I have suffered the heartache of unrequited love. I can't stop loving him. Aoshi. You my first and only love, now my tormentor in this meaningless life. How I wish. With all my heart and soul. I wish I could bring back the days I smiled and the days where I was happy. Right now all I want is to have my family back.Wish I could hear mother's voice. I want to see my father's forest green eyes filled with tenderness. I want to hear grandfather's laughter at my antics. I need someone to get in trouble with. I need my older brother who always cared for me. Minna, I want to see your faces again. I just want to feel loved again. 

I know that I will never experience the feeling of loving someone and having that person love me back. Never will I feel the pride of being a mother. Never will I find the simple peace in life.I am Makimachi Misao and this is the path I have chosen, and perhaps it is not the right one. I do not know nor do I care anymore. 

  
Okashira of the Oniwabanshuu,   
Makimachi Misao

Misao closed her journal, and slipped it between the shawl she wore and her kimono. She glanced at her reflection in the mirror and noticed, for the first time, that she had been weeping. Using the sleeve of her kimono, Misao wiped away the tears, and splashed cold water onto her face. Looking again in the mirror, Misao saw how much she had changed. Her face was pale, and she looked so frail. This was caused by weeks of starvation. She left the room, and heading for her destination. She passed the sweet roses of the gardens and walked under the pale moonlight. She removed her sleeve from her arm and saw all the scars from previous attempts. Of course no one had noticed them. 

Finally reaching her destination, Misao opened the door of the weapon's storage area, and walked in. She walked straight to her chosen weapons. Aoshi's kodachis. What better way then to die, then from the blade of my love's weapon. My love turned tormentor. Misao slid the blades across her wrists, causing her old wounds to open up. The pain did hurt, oh yes. But it was nothing compared to how painful her life had been. Misao smiled bitterly. _This is what you have done to me Aoshi. I love you. That is the way it will always be.I hate you, but I love you. I am forever chained to you. Misao's tasted her tears that were mingled with her blood. She knelt down and got ready to end her life. __Sayanora minna. The skies had begun to darken. __Sayonara __ Aoshi. Forget me for I know you will. It started to rain heavily as the heavens seemed to mourn her fate. __My family, please wait for me. I'm finally going to be with you again. _

She moved the deadly weapons away from her. Misao pointed Aoshi's kodachis at her heart. Ready to plunge them into the very depths of her being. 

_This is fate. This is my chosen path. _

Misao's grip around the kodachis tightened, and she took one last breath before she used the weapons to take her own life away. 

* * *

Author's Notes: What do you think? Loved it? Hated it? Tell me! Please send comments! I need them. This story is going to replace my other fic 'Of Destiny and Promises' This is totally revised and even has a new name! The story plot is now different, though there are similarities. 

Disclaimers: All the Rurouni Kenshin characters do not belong to me. The story itself and the character of Yuri belong to me.

   [1]: mailto:silverdreamer@surrealit.net



	2. Deep Within: Ch. 1

**Deep Within**  
By: Jen __

Don't wanna love you if you don't love me  
Don't wanna need you when you won't need me too  
Don't wanna tell you this now  
But it wouldn't be right if I (If I)  
Didn't tell you this tonight

-_Gotta Tell You_ Samantha Mumba

**Chapter 1- Resolutions: "What is there to Live For?"**

Aoshi entered the dining area, which was filled with merry chatter and laughter. He gazed around the room and saw that everyone was there, everyone but Misao. He had just gone to ask Misao to come to dinner that night. He was really sure that no one had noticed her absence from dinner the last few weeks. In fact she had kept to herself lately, drawing herself away from the world. He was glad that she had finally given up her childish infatuation with him, and avoided him now. He knew that he had hurt her, but it was for the best. For her and him. He did not have to worry about her following him everywhere anymore and pulling all her antics on him. He frowned. _Why do I keep thinking of Misao? It was true. Ever since that day he had denied her love, his mind was always on her. He did not understand it at all, so he would always ignore the thoughts. Aoshi was pulled from his reverie by his beloved's voice. _

"Aoshi, where is Misao-san? Did you not ask her to come tonight?" Yuri implored as she wrapped her arms around him. 

Aoshi smiled, sort of and held her closer, "Aa. Has she not come yet?" 

"No. I wonder where she may be?" Yuri released him and questioned the others about Misao. They too, did not know where she was. Okina sent Omasu to get Misao. After she left, Yuri turned to Aoshi and said, "Let's tell them now." 

Aoshi nodded and they got everyone's attention. Yuri smiled and began to speak. No one noticed the darkening skies and the light rain. 

"Minna we have gathered you to tell you something. As you know Aoshi and I have been seeing each other for the last few months. We have decided to…" 

"Okina! Okina!" Omasu's frantic voice interrupted Yuri's announcement. Everyone look up as Omasu burst through the door. She looked so pale, and she was clutching a piece of paper in her shaking hands. 

"Omasu? What's wrong?" Okina was next to her, trying to calm her down. 

"Mi..mi..sao." Omasu stuttered. 

"What about Misao? Omasu what is wrong with Misao?" Okina was beginning to become worried too. Omasu held out the piece of paper and Okina took it, and began to read out loud. 

MINNA, SAYONARA…. SAYONARA…   


Misao 

Just a few simple words written on paper. That was all, but it sent shivers down their spines. The rain had begun to become more violent now, and for the first time everyone noticed that it was raining. Okina rushed out of the door, leaving everyone to follow him. They searched frantically around for any signs of Misao. 

Aoshi ran towards Misao's room, to look for her there, but stopped when he noticed the doors to the weapon's storage room was slightly opened. _Misao? He changed directions and headed for the storage. Meanwhile, it had began to rain even harder, the dark clouds had covered up the night sky, so that not one bit of light showed through. Everyone noticed Aoshi heading for the weapons shack and followed him. One thought running through their mind. __Misao you wouldn't. Kami-sama please don't let her be there. _

As they neared the shack, in their minds, they heard Misao's resolved voice. _This is my chosen path. _

They arrived at the door and saw a trail of blood seeping from behind it. They pushed the door aside, and the site that met them made their whole world freeze. There in the middle of the room, Misao knelt in a pool of her own blood with Aoshi's kodachis at her heart. Wounds that covered her body were still bleeding. And Misao. Misao's face was covered with tears and blood. Her hands that gripped the twin blades were shaking. Suddenly before any of them had time to react, Misao took the weapon and held it straight out in front of her and brought its tip towards her body.

Aoshi stood and watched the woman before him. _Misao. She was shaking from the loss of blood and the sobs that racked her body. For some unknown reason his chest twisted inside him, as he saw her plunge his weapons towards her heart… _

"MISAO!" terrified cries filled the air, mixed with the rumbling thunder outside. 

Misao heard her name being called and felt somebody knock the kodachi from her hands. She felt a pair of strong arms encircle her body protectively. Misao opened her eyes only to stare up into icy blue eyes that burned with anger. The tears continued to slip down her face. Misao could not take it, "Why?" It was barely audible so that only Aoshi could hear. 

"Why? Why didn't you let me die?" Misao uttered those last heartbreaking words before passing out. Aoshi froze in his place after he heard her words. He did not notice when Okina took Misao from his arms. Misao's words echoed in his mind. Her voice, it seemed so crushed. 

_Why? Why didn't you let me die? _

* * *

Okina paced wearily outside Misao's door as he waited for the doctor's report on Misao's condition. Omasu and Okon were weeping, while Shiro and Kuro wore guilty expressions. They fixed their gaze on Mei, as she came in to report on Misao.Her expression was grave as she began to speak. 

"Multiple wounds on arms and legs. Weeks of self-starvation. Loss of large quantities of blood. I'm afraid that Misao is in danger of losing her life in this state." 

Mei left the Oniwabanshuu, promising to come back to check on Misao in the morning. Mei's face was also streaked with tears; Misao was her closest friend, since they were young. After her departure, Aoshi and Yuri entered the room. Yuri seemed upset about the news, and Aoshi, Aoshi seemed as impassive as ever. A thought suddenly came to Okina. 

"Aoshi, Yuri. Didn't you have something to tell us?" All eyes turned to the couple, Yuri, who just remembered herself looked at Aoshi, whom nodded his consent. 

"We have decided to marry one another!" Yuri was smiling now, but blushed when shouts of congratulations and whistles were heard from the others. 

"We should celebrate!" Okina smiled because now he had a reason to throw another party. Soon everyone, excluding Aoshi whom sat back and watched, was partying. Each person forgetting about the lonely and broken-hearted soul of the young woman who had just awoken. Not one person was heard the uncontrollable sobs of a broken woman. 

* * *

Misao awoke from the peace and warmth of her dreams only to come back to the harsh reality. She was conscious of the fact that Mei was bandaging her wounds, but her mind was somewhere else. She did not even notice Mei's departure. Why had Aoshi saved her_? Perhaps he does care for me. Even just a little? Misao thought, her spirits returned just a bit. Comforting thoughts continued to run through her mind as Misao stood up and walked to her door. She placed a hand on the frame ready to slide the door open. Ready to go back to the way her life had been before. _

"Yes! Of course! Aoshi and I have decided to marry!" 

Misao let her hand fall back to her side, as the other hand clutched the fabric of her kimono, at the area her heart was_. Did you really think that they would love you again if you try to kill yourself? Do you really think that he would love you? _

Misao berated herself. Her words stung her, as the truth in them was finally apparent to her. Misao heard the noises of a party coming from the other side of the door. _My home. My family. My life has been taken away from me before my own eyes. What is there to life for? Misao sadly realized that there was nothing for her here anymore. Everything she had ever cared for, loved for, and lived for was now gone. She could never have them back. She walked to her mirror and looked at herself once more. The scars were now more visible and were bleeding badly through the white cloth. Her face was colorless in the moonlight, and her black hair was loose from their usual braid, only to hang limply around her. Her once vibrant eyes were now dull and red from weeping too much. Misao broke down and her body wracked with tears. She cried until her heart finally gave out and shattered to pieces beyond repair. She cried until it was too much to bear and the tears would not come anymore. Misao knelt and said a small prayer to the heavens for the much-needed strength.__ _

_Why am I doing this to myself? I'm killing myself so slowly. Why?_

Misao splashed cold water on her face and used her hands to wipe away the last traces of her tears left on her face. She then began to slap her face gently trying to get the color to come back into her face. She slipped quietly to the bathing area to wash herself. 

_I have to move on. Start over. This is the only way to save myself._

Misao brushed her long hair until it was shiny again. She then took one of her kunai and held her hair in place. With one quick swipe of the small blade, Misao cut her hair. 

_ This is the only way. This unrequited love hurts so much. The only way…_

Misao's hair now hung a little past her shoulders. Misao opened her closet and looked around for what she had hidden long ago. She found the chest, and used the key she wore on a chain around her neck, to open it. When the chest opened, it revealed to her, treasures she had kept. Treasures that she had locked away, for the pain was too much to bear. Misao fingered the silky material of her mother's favorite kimono, and handled the beautiful golden combs and jewelry. She removed her mother's possessions from the chest and packed it into her satchel. Underneath them, she found some of her brother's old clothing, and beneath all her possessions, she found an old portrait. Misao's hand moved carefully on the picture, tracing the outlines of her family.

_My family. Please wherever you are, onegai... watch over me._

She closed her eyes taking a deep breath before continuing to undress herself. The cold night air sent shivers down her body. She threw aside her ninja outfit, and dressed herself in her brother's old clothing. Looking at herself in the mirror and she added an old hat to her attire. 

_Two years, I have wasted on this unrequited love. Hoping, wishing, and never receiving._

With every inch she moved, with every amount of strength she used, the strain on her mind, heart, and body increased agonizingly. Misao sat at her desk write a letter to the others. Folding the letter and placing it on top of her folded futon with her ninja outfit and strands of hair, she looked around her room and sighed. She jumped from her windowsill carefully landing on the soft ground. She ran swiftly through the Aoiya gardens and through the gates. She ran further away before stopping to look back. 

She took one last look at the place she once called home and said goodbye, knowing that she would never return to this place again. She pulled the ragged coat around her petite frame in a vain effort to warm herself from the iciness of the falling rain and howling wind. 

_Sayonara, minna-san. Sayonara, forever. _

She moved as quick as she could because of her lack of energy. She needed to be far enough, so that if they followed her they would not be able to find her so easily. _But they won't. Misao thought miserably__. They wouldn't care. No one cares anymore. I'm alone. As the Aoiya disappeared from her view, Misao's mind wondered back to her earlier question. _

"What is there to live for?" 

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Oh No! Everyone is totally OOC! Well that's it for this chapter. No, Misao didn't kill herself. That wouldn't be right. I need my main character in this fic; she can't go around killing herself. Besides, this story is more of a Misao fic. 

About Misao cutting her hair and dressing in male clothing. That was her disguise so that no one would recognize her. She is still weak from her lack of blood so she isn't moving as fast as she normally would, so the disguise could help her blend in with the crowd. 

Now comes the important part: FEEDBACK! Did you like it? Hate it? Any suggestions to improve the fic?? I really need to know that there are people actually reading this! 

Standard Disclaimers Apply. Rurouni Kenshin and its characters do not belong to me. This story is solely written for entertainment purposes. 


	3. Deep Within: Ch. 2

**Deep Within**  
By [Jen][1]

_How Could The One I Gave My Heart To, Break My Heart So Bad?  
How Could The One Who Made Me Happy, Make Me Feel So Sad?  
Wont Somebody Tell Me? So I Can Understand._  
- _The One I Gave My Heart To_ Aaliyah** **

# ** **

# 

# Chapter 2 –Departure: "I Need to Move on. Sayonara… Sayonara."

Mei looked around disapprovingly at the sleeping bodies of the drunken Oniwabanshuu. She stepped over their bodies so that she would be able to move to Misao's room. She moved until she was in front of Misao's door and tried to open it, but the door wouldn't budge. Something was blocking her from opening the door. She felt for Misao's chi, and could not find it. Mei tried knocking on the door to wake Misao. When she did not get a response, Mei began to pound on the door, trying vainly to knock it down. The commotion awoke the other ninjas in the room, and they found Mei trying to knock down Misao's door. Mei was calling Misao's name loudly. 

"What's wrong, Mei?" Okina asked as he tried to calm the hysterical girl down. Mei broke loose from his arms and tried again to open the door that was separating her from her friend. Shiro and Kuro helped hold her back as Okina again questioned her. Mei's face was flushed with fury, worry, and fear. 

"Misao. Misao's chi is missing. I can't feel her chi." Mei tried again to break from their hold and this time they let her go. Okina tried to reach's Misao's chi and found nothing also. "Mei is right. I can't feel Misao's chi."Okina, Shiro and Kuro began to help her try to break down the door.Omasu and Okon rushed to Aoshi's room to awaken him and Yuri. They knocked on the door frantically waiting for an answer. "Aoshi-sama! Yuri-san! Wake up!" 

Aoshi woke up at the call of his name, and he felt Yuri stir beside him. They both noted the anxiety in Omasu's and Okon's voices. They both dressed quickly and opened the door to find Omasu and Okon both wearing distressed faces. 

"Please hurry! It's Misao-chan. Okina can't feel her chi, and her door won't open! Please Aoshi-sama!" 

But Aoshi was already racing to Misao's room, leaving the women to follow him. When they arrived, they saw Misao's door opened. They entered, not sure of what they would find. The scene that greeted them, was less than encouraging. Mei was weeping in Shiro's arms, and Kuro was trying to help Okina sit up. Misao's futon was neatly folded in the corner and on top of it was a long bundle of black hair. And her ninja uniform. 

"She's gone." Aoshi looked up at the weak tone in Okina's voice. Kuro and Omasu were still trying to help him, as he stood up. "She's gone. Left. She's never coming back. It's my entire fault. My angel is never coming back" 

Everyone looked startled at the news, and they finally noticed the letter that he held in his hands. Mei took the letter from his hands and read it aloud to everyone. 

_Minna, _

_By the time you find this letter, I will be long gone. Where? I'm not really sure. _

_ _

//A young male walked into a nearby restaurant to rest after a long night of traveling. // 

_ _

_All I know is that I needed to leave. To get as far away as I can from Kyoto. _

_ _

// The young man warily sat down in the corner of the place, hoping to draw as little attention to himself as possible. // 

_ _

_I realize that I can no longer stay here. The memories are too painful. _

_ _

// The waitress watched the young man as he sat in the corner. He was small in frame and had dark bluish black hair. She approached him and asked for his order. When he looked up, she was startled to see such sorrowful blue eyes. The mysterious boy forced a smile and ordered a bowl of rice and tea. // 

_ _

_ __For the past two years, I done everything I could for everyone. Kept everyone safe and happy. I have been through so much in the past years. Wounds were inflicted upon my heart. Wounds, that I believe, could never be healed if I stayed in Kyoto. _

_ _

// The waitress brought the male his meal, and quietly observed him from across the room. The male took off his hat and began to devour the meal quickly. He took his time as he sipped the tea. She moved to clear away his dishes, but stopped when she saw the blood on his arms. 

"Are you alright, sir? What happened? Do you need some help?" 

The male looked up at her and shook his head. "I'm okay. The wounds are old. I just need to replace the bandages." // 

_ _

_I tried to ignore them. I tried to ignore the pain that I was feeling, but it was far too great. I started to contemplate death. Soon I began to starve myself and even cut my wrists. I was always wondering why? Why do I feel this way? I doubt no one had noticed my unusual behavior, as you were busy with other things.  _

Silence. 

// "Thank you." The boy smiled at the waitress as he left. 

"Matte!" she called out. "What is your name?" 

The male seemed to be at a loss for words, but after a while he answered, "…Ryuuen." 

"Ryuuen." The waitress repeated, suddenly feeling sympathy for the mysterious youth, " Have a safe journey. Where ever you may be going." //_ _

_I spent most of my time weeping in my room. I do not remember the last time I had actually smiled. The tears will not come anymore. How I want to cry, but the tears won't come._

// Slowly a smile spread across, Ryuuen's features. "Thank you." 

The waitress thought Ryuuen had the most wonderful smile and found herself smiling back at him. //

_Now I have decided to leave. To find myself again. I have resolved to never return to Kyoto. Minna, please do not follow me. I am sorry for any grievances I have caused, but this is my choice and I wish that you respect it and leave me be. I have turned over my position as okashira back to Aoshi. I write this letter to bid farewell and ask of you two favors. Please move on and forget me. Second, please be happy. For my sake be happy and forget.__ _

// Ryuuen left the comfort of the restaurant and company of the waitress to face the lonely, hard road ahead of him. He arrived at a crossroad. The signs pointed to Tokyo and Kyoto. He chose the road to Tokyo, but soon headed off the road to wander around the forest. _I'm not going to Tokyo just yet. __Knowing everyone, they probably would follow me there and drag me back with them. // _

_I need to move on. Sayonara… Sayonara.__ _

_Misao _

Mei finished the letter, and there was nothing. Just silence. Unbearable silence. 

* * *

Author's Notes: Enough angst for you? No? Ok. Sorry this chapter was so short. I really couldn't think of what else to write for it. I probably will come back later and revise it. I decided to make Mei one of the supporting characters in the story. She is Misao's childhood friend, whom cares for Misao more than anyone else probably does. 

Ok now for the fun part: 

*Feedback* Loved it? Hate it? Send comments!*Begs* Please? I really need them. I would take any suggestions on how to make the fic better. This is my first Aoshi-Misao fic, or rather first ever fic, and I know I could improve. -_- 

   [1]: mailto:mystasia@surrealit.net



	4. Deep Within: Ch. 3

## Deep Within  
By [ Jen][1][ ][1]

_It's not easy  
Trying to understand  
How the world can be so cold  
Stealing the souls of man  
Cloudy skies rain down  
On all your dreams  
You wrestle with the fear and doubt  
Sometimes it's hard, but you gotta believe  
There's a better place  
-__There Will Come a Day Faith Hill _

# Chapter 3- Journey's Start: 'Losses and Beginnings'

"Kuso, where am I?" Misao wandered aimlessly around the forest.She walked forward onto the path. This seems familiar.She heard a thunder far in the distant and ran to take cover under a large tree, just as it began to rain.She slumped to the ground against the tree and muttered. "Just my luck." 

She watched the rain for a few minutes. _It's so stormy, not even one strand of sunlight. Misao lay her head against the tree. __Just like my heart. It is so weakened. No more love can get through to touch it. NO! Misao shook her head furiously. __No! I won't remember. I can't remember. I just want to forget. Please…. But then the events still washed themselves over her, like icy cold water, causing her body to shiver. She tried to keep the memories back, but she had not enough strength. So she brought her knees closer to herself, hoping to protect her heart from the familiar pain. Her head dropped to her bent knees as the memories flashed through her mind. One by one they came. There was no mercy. She saw every single detail replayed in her head. From her conversation with Aoshi to the moment he saved her. Slumber took her body over as she curled beneath the tree, closing her eyes. Then came the voices echoing incessantly, taunting her. _

_I don't love you. _

_---------- _

_Yuri-san? _

_Hai. She's Okina's friend's daughter. _

_----------- _

_Jiya? Jiya can you help me? _

_Sumen, Misao. I'm going to give Yuri a tour of Kyoto. Ja ne. _

_Jiya…? _

_---------- _

_Omasu! Okon! Let's go to the market together, ne? _

_Ah gomen, Misao-chan. Demo…Yuri-san is taking us shopping today… you can come if you wa- _

_Never mind. I understand. Ja ne. _

_----------- _

_Shiro! Kuro! Do you want to train with me today? _

_Ehh? Misao-chan. Of cours— _

_Shiro-kun! Kuro-kun! Can you please help me fix this door? _

_Hai! Coming Yuri-san. _

_Gomen nasai, Misao. We have to go now. _

_------------- _

_Misao?! What's wrong? Are you feeling all right? _

_Daijobou, Mei. Daijobou. _

_Misao… _

_----------- _

_Ohayo Misao-san! _

_Ohayo, Yuri-san. I hope I'm not disturbing you. It's early and I just wanted to bring you some fresh blankets. _

_Arigatou. I was going to ask for some today. _

_Yuri? _

_Aoshi-sama!?//but this is Yuri's room…Aoshi-sama…I've lost you, haven't I? // _

_Misao. _

_Misao-san! Are you alright? You seem ill. _

_//Misao no baka! Don't let them see you cry.// _

_Aoshi-sama. Yuri-san. Gomen, demo…. I have to go visit Mei. Sayonara. _

_-------------- _

_Misao?! Misao, tell me what's wrong?! _

_I've lost him. Mei, I lost him forever. _

_Misao. _

_-------------- _

_Aoshi and I have decided to marry one another! _

_------------ _

_I've lost him. He's lost to me, forever. _

------------ 

Misao's eyes snapped open as she felt the oh so familiar twinge of heartache. _He's lost to me, forever. It swallowed her whole, as it spread throughout her body. __Forever…. She gasped for air; her breathing became increasingly irregular. __Forever…. Misao wanted to let herself succumb to the welcoming darkness that had begun to surround her. But something was keeping her from doing so. _

_'Misao. Will you do something for me?' _

_'I want you to go with your brother. Promise me that you will live, and grow older. Promise me that you will move on into the future, but never forget your past. Promise me that you will be happy.'_ __

_'Hai otousan.' _

"Otousan!" Misao's eyes snapped open and a faint wailing reached her ears. She looked around and found a bird stranded on one of the branches. _Poor thing. _

Misao picked herself off of the ground and leaned against the tree for support. She began to carefully climb the tree until she reached the stranded bird. It looked like it was a young hawk. It shivered under her touch as she gently held it in her hands. Misao climbed back down the tree. The storm raged on as she sheltered herself and the bird. Misao used one of her kunai to tear a piece of cloth from her coat and dried the wet bird with it. Misao cradled the bird, unconsciously keeping it warm as her mind slipped back to those painful memories. 

"So much. I have so much in common with this little bird." The bird began to cry again and that was when Misao noticed its wing was hurt. She grabbed a nearby twig and used her kunai to cut it to the right length. 

"I can understand your pain." 

The bird stopped its crying and watched her, as if it could understand her distressing words. 

"I can understand how it feels to be alone. Knowing that no one cares for you. To know that if you leave... when you die...no one would miss you…it hurts." 

Misao took the piece of cloth, which she had torn from her coat and began to wrap the wing and the twig. 

"It makes you want to kill yourself. To end your pain because you already know that you are slowly dying." 

Misao stopped tending to the bird's wound for a moment and looks down at her own self- inflicted wounds. The cloth that covered her injuries was covered with crimson blood. Wounds that still made her weak and hurt her greatly, but she didn't care. The pain was nothing compared to the agony she was feeling inside. Her voice was distant as she went back to tending to the bird. 

"You feel so lost. Not sure of what to do next. One minute you have the most wonderful life and then the next you don't know what the future holds for you in this meaningless life. It hurts so much. It feels as if you're drowning and you just can't come up for air. You're trapped. Suffocated. No one around to hear your cries. No one to help you… No one to care..." 

Misao finished the bird's wounds and again sheltered it from the raging storm. She shivered as a harsh wind swept through the trees, bringing with it the ice-cold rain. She huddled against the tree seeking any warmth. Anything. Just as long as she didn't have to feel cold anymore. She was tired of the iciness that had taken over her body not so long ago. The bird whined fearfully at the sudden rush of coldness that came from Misao's body. Misao looked at it intently and a hollow laugh escaped her lips. "Gomen nasai. I didn't mean for you to feel the cold." 

Suddenly a memory surfaced_. What? Misao saw herself and someone. Someone with red hair sitting under a tree that sheltered them from the rain. __Himura? She was telling him all about her beloved Aoshi-sama. Her heart jumped as it finally dawned on her. This was the exact same tree she and Himura were sitting that day two years ago. Back then she was on a mission. On a journey to find her much worshiped okashira and friends. _

"And I did find him, didn't I?" Misao stared out into the distant. "I found him. Yes, I did." 

She saw images of her own childhood. There was Hannya and Aoshi trying to teach her a kicking technique. 

"I found him, but not them. Not them." 

Ghostly reflections appeared in front of her. Misao felt a longing in her as she reached out her hand to touch them. They disappeared in her grasp as she frantically tried to capture the illusions with her hands, failing miserably. 

"Hannya… Hyotokotto… Beshimi… Shikijou…my best friends. I lost you forever. Just like I lost Aoshi-sama." 

The bird watched Misao intently. "I found Aoshi-sama…. iie…. That wasn't Aoshi-sama. My Aoshi-sama is dead." 

"I would have never thought…never dreamed… that the first time I would see Aoshi after so long…he would be on the other side. I never would have imagined that I would declare him the enemy." 

_I never want to see your face again._

"The first thing he says to me. The first thing he did… was trying to kill my Jiya." 

// Misao watched in horror as Okina fell to the ground blood splattering everywhere. She looked up at Aoshi, whom sheathed his kodachis. He walked away from her again. Her heart cried out, trying to make sense of the situation. _Why? Why did you betray us? Betray me? // __ _

"How could he? After I searched…after all my time…he left me. So that he could get the title of the 'strongest'. He caused my tears to come. And after his return…all I did was weep for him. Now…now I'm just so very tired…so very cold. A part of me wants me to weep, but I can't. My tears are all dried up." 

The wind became increasingly stronger, blowing harder than before, the rain fell harshly on the ground, and the storm released all its anger. Misao found herself unable to feel the awful winds that had sent chills through the small bird. Her body was too numb… numb with grief… numb with the pains that she had experienced so early. Before Misao, the storm died as quickly as it came. 

"No more. I will not do this anymore." Misao stood up and looked at the bird in her hand. "Little one, do you want to come with me?" 

The bird let out a cry of approval, and once again Misao was on a new path. She took one last glance at the tree. 

"Two years ago, Misao wandered the earth to find her beloved friends." 

She looked away and walked off into the open road. 

"Now Ryuuen will go on a journey to find himself and peace of mind." 

That was the day when Makimachi Misao disappeared, and Ryuuen came forth to take her place. 

* * *

The crisp morning breeze blew the branches of the now dead trees, taking with it a trail of leaves. The breeze fluttered across the face of a lone traveler as the foliage surrounded him. 

******************   
Cool breeze and autumn leaves  
Slow motion daylight  
******************

The figure remained motionless as his eyes strayed to the sky where he saw a bird circling in the air. They were alert of their surroundings as they continued to travel the lonely trail. 

********************   
A lone pair of watchful eyes  
Oversee the living   
********************

The person's hood fell back to reveal a pair of cold icy blue eyes that scanned the area around him. 

******************  
Feel the presence all around  
A tortured soul  
A wound unhealing  
****************** 

The few months of solitude had done nothing to help him. The pain still never left him and was constantly hounding him. He had not found one amount of peace in all his journeying around aimlessly. Barely noticed, on his arms old wounds could still be seen, on his heart old wounds that have yet showed any signs of healing. 

***************   
No regrets or promises  
The past is gone   
***************

  
A flicker of the person he used to be appeared. An image of a woman flashed before his eyes. She had long braided hair and a spirited laughter that echoed tauntingly through his ears. He shook his head to disperse the memory. He had not regretted any of his decisions. 

**************  
But you can still be free  
If time will set you free  
************** 

A song entered his mind. His brother had taught him a song, such a wonderful song. It was a depressing song, but some how it gave him strength.

  
****************  
Time now to spread your wings  
To take to flight  
*************** 

The male watched his bird fly gracefully through the skies, and he wished for a moment that he could fly. Fly and be free. 

***************  
The life endeavor  
Aim for the burning sun  
*************** 

He laughed but there was no humor present, only bitterness. Such silly things had ceased to enter his mind. Him, flying? Impossible. 

**************   
You're trapped inside  
But you can still be free  
**************

But the heart still ached for the freedom. To be able to forget the past. 

*******************  
If time will set you free  
But it's a long long way to go   
******************* 

Perhaps one day. One day he could be as free as his bird was. Free like he once was, but he knew. He knew that it would be long before his heart and mind would forget…could forget. 

*****************  
Keep moving way up high  
You see the light  
It shines forever  
***************** 

He neared a small village and entered it. He looked at all the stands of food and items that were for sale. 

*****************  
Sail through the crimson skies  
The purest light  
The light that sets you free  
***************** 

He saw an old woman trying to carry a heavy package and immediately helped her. 

The woman looked at him and smiled. "Thank you, young man." 

He nodded. "Where to?" 

She led the way back to her house. 

******************  
If time will set you free   
Sail through the wind and rain tonight  
You're free to fly tonight  
****************** 

They entered her cottage and he set the package down and turned to leave. 

The old woman called out. "Matte. What is your name? I am called Rin" 

The young male seemed reluctant to answer her. 

*******************  
And you can still be free  
If time will set you free  
And going higher than mountain tops  
******************* 

"Please? I must know your name. I want to thank you so much for helping me. I want to repay you." 

"It is nothing, Rin-san. I was merely helping you carry a package." 

"Demo… it is. I have never met such a kind young man. The ones in this town are arrogant and worry only about money. So please tell me your name." 

***************  
And go high the wind won't stop  
And go high  
Free to fly tonight  
Free to fly tonight  
*******************

"Is that so? Then my name is Mi- Ryuuen. My name is Ryuuen." He smiled as she thanked him once more and left. That was the last time the woman ever saw him. In the near future she would meet someone so much like him, only that someone was to be a woman… 

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Well, minna here's Ch. 3. I actually had this out for a while, but that's ok. It might not have lived up to your expectations, gomen. This is only the rough draft, I might revise it a little later. More chapters should come out soon, unless I decide to take another break… -_- 

I love the song 'You Can Still Be Free.' I thought that it kind of described Misao in my story, ne? This chapter takes place a week after Misao left the Aoiya…. and the last part is two months after she disappeared from the Aoiya. Ok now…Feedback. Loved it? Hated it? Send comments! Flame me! Just let me know someone is actually reading it. 

* * *

**Preview of next chapter…sorta…**

Ryuuen continues his travels. Meets new people and discover something. 

Back to the Oniwabanshuu. What do they think about all of this? 

What does Yuri think? Does Aoshi care? I'll stop rambling now…^_^;;

   [1]: mailto:mystasia@surrealit.net



	5. Deep Within: Ch. 4a

## Deep Within  
By Jen

_There you are  
In a darkened room  
And you're all alone  
Looking out the window  
Your heart is cold and lost the will to love  
Like a broken arrow  
Here I stand in the shadows  
Come to me, Come to me  
Can't you see that  
Nobody wants to be lonely  _

- _Nobody Wants to be Lonely_ Ricky Martin

# 

# Chapter 4a- Reflections I: Realizations of Guilt

"Okina, you should go get some rest." 

Omasu gently chided the old man. She helped him up, and led him to his room. She made sure he was settled in his futon before she left. Omasu sighed. She knew that he would not rest, just stare blankly at the ceiling. They would sometimes find him in Misao's room in the morning just staring at nothing outside her window. That's the way it had been since Misao's disappearance… Omasu clutched her heart as tears sprang up into her eyes. Misao's departure from their lives had hit them hard. Omasu knew that everyone felt guilty. How could they not? They had basically forgotten Misao since Yuri's appearance. 

After Misao left, he had begun to look ill and void of any life. He no longer was the hentai old man he used to be, instead his old age finally showed through. Guilt was always written on his face. In fact, guilt was written on everyone's face. Everything and everyone in the Aoiya seemed lifeless. They had no idea where Misao was. Or if she was still alive for that matter. 

Ironic, wasn't it? The one person that they all loved and care for… was just thrown into the background and forgotten. And how they all missed her, now that she had left them…perhaps forever. Her contemplating was interrupted when she heard Okon's voice. "How is he?" 

"I don't know." Omasu was saddened. "I just don't know anymore." 

Okon nodded and the two stood in silence. 

"Okon?" 

"Hai?" 

"How could we? How did we forget about Misao-chan so easily?" It was the question that ran through everyone's mind in the past months. 

"Imagine it, Okon. Just imagine it. How much Misao needed us, but all we could think about was how terribly sweet and beautiful Yuri-san was." 

"Hai. I didn't even notice how much she had drawn to herself. All those days she would stay in her room. How she would skip lunch… or sometimes it was dinner. Or all the days she wouldn't eat or drink for days." 

"…" Omasu was crying again. Her heart was aching so badly. _I wonder… is this how you felt Misao? Did we bring you to this pain? _

* * *

Okina stared at the ceiling in his room after Omasu left. He heard voices in his head. They haunted him, and he knew he couldn't sleep. No, with the nightmares haunting him. He couldn't sleep until he knew that his angel Misao was safe. It was three months since she left, but in so little time everyone's life had changed. They received notice from the Himuras that Misao had not yet arrived in Tokyo, and they immediately replied. But, that was two months ago, and their friends have not written back. They would have assumed Misao had safely arrived, but they knew better. They had alerted every Oniwabansu post in Japan to look for Misao, and report back to them when she was found. So far no one had seen any traces of her. Okina knew that Mei had taken it upon herself to search for Misao. She was always there for Misao, even when everyone else was too blind to see the girl's pain. All those times he should have comforted his angel, Mei was there for her. _How could I have been so selfish? Why didn't I see her suffering? _

Ever since her attempted suicide and her departure, he wondered why he had been so blind to not see her distress. How could he not see her pain? It was true. None of them had thought of Misao after Yuri had moved into the Aoiya with them. Yuri was elegant, well mannered, and beautiful. She was his friend's daughter. He had promised to take care of her after his friend had died.She was charming and had them under her spell. They had grown fond of her in such a short time. Especially Aoshi. 

They had forgotten Misao's beauty, her kindness, and her determination. They had not known how much she had given up so that they could be safe and happy. They could not see because they were too blind. Too busy getting to know Yuri better to even notice Misao. No wonder she had tried to kill herself. Only then did they open their eyes to see what they had done to their little one. Fear had gripped each of their hearts that night. And what did they do while she was lying in bed slowly dying? They had a party to celebrate Yuri and Aoshi's engagement. None of them were aware of the fact that she had awakened to hear their cheers. Again no one was aware of her pain as she wept. 

Yes, he had promised to care for Yuri, but what of his other promises? Especially to his former okashira, his best friend, Misao's grandfather. 

_ _

_'Okina, please protect her.' _

_'Hiroshi-sama?' _

_'Misao. If something ever happens to me, protect her. Her innocence, her smiles… just protect everything about her. Can you promise me that?' _

_'Uh…hai. Demo, why are you asking me of this now?' _

_'Something is going to happen soon. She will be saddened greatly and for some reason I know that I will not be there for her. I need you and Aoshi to watch over her and protect her.' _

_'Aa. We will.' _

_'Okina. You know that we, the Oniwabanshuu, live hard lives. Because of this war we see bloodshed everyday. We are sometimes the cause of that bloodshed. You know as well as I do that the purpose of the Oniwabanshuu is to protect Kyoto and to gain a peace in this city. Is that not right?' _

_'Aa.' _

_'I often hope that Misao will be able to grow up in such a place. That she will not have to train to become a ninja. Promise me that, if possible, you will keep her from the life of an Oniwabanshuu. For, the only way to really protect her is to keep her from having to become a ninja.' _

_'Hai. I promise with my life.' _

_'Thank you, my friend.' _

Three days later Misao lost her grandfather and brother. One year later, Misao began her training as an omnitsu . Still ten years later, Misao became the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. 

Okina's gaze dropped from the ceiling. _My friend, I have broken my vows. Sumanai. _

He then got up from his futon and left his room. He did not know where he was going until he found himself in Misao's room, the voices followed him everywhere. 

* * *

He saw a ghostly figure of a sleeping Misao at the age of five as she began screaming. He saw a younger version of himself enter her room. He watched as Misao continued to scream, and was by her side quickly. He lay a comforting hand on her shoulder as she whimpered in her sleep. She begins to mutter something incoherent in her deep slumber. "Iie! Leave otousan alone. Oniichan we have to help him! One…gai." 

Okina gazed at the girl, shocked. Was she dreaming about her father's death? 

"Ojiisan?! Iie! Iie! Don't leave me! Please not you too! Ojjisan!" 

Misao's screams filled the air again as she awoke from her nightmares. Okina rubbed her arm gently trying to get her to calm down. Eventually it worked and she opened her eyes. "Ojiisan?" 

"Gomen nasai, Misao. I'm not your ojiisan. Demo… I can be your pretend ojiisan from now on." Okina spoke softly trying to soothe the frightened child. Misao stopped weeping. "Honto?" 

"Aa." 

"Arigatou….Jiya." Misao wrapped her arms around him. Okina was surprised. He barely did anything, and yet this child was comforted so easily._ I will keep my promise to you Hiroshi. To you and Misao.  _

The ghosts faded away, and he saw Misao standing in their place. She looked drained and blood covered her body. In her, he once again saw Misaka on her deathbed. She stood with tears in her eyes as he tried to reach out to her. But every time he did so, Misao moved further away from him. Finally he was able to reach her, and as he lay a gentle hand on her face, the illusion faded, leaving him empty and alone. 

One word escaped his lips before Okina fell into another nightmarish sleep. "Misao." 

* * *

Yuri did not know how long she was watching Aoshi sleep. Perhaps a few minutes, or maybe it was an hour? She wasn't really sure. Misao's disappearance had triggered the guilt in all of them. When Yuri had first met Misao, she thought her to be a very lovely young woman. The more she got to know her, the more Yuri liked her. Misao was like a younger sister, she never had. She could not understand why Misao had tried to kill herself. She had everything. She was pretty, smart, and a very skilled ninja. She had a nice family in the Oniwabanshuu. She was the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. So what caused her to go over the edge and try to commit suicide? It was something Yuri would never understand. She thought of everything Misao had and how wonderful her life was. Yuri sighed and soon fell asleep, wondering what possibly could have caused Misao to leave her life behind. The only thing Yuri didn't think about was what Misao didn't have. And that was love. Misao didn't have the love she desired and needed. 

* * *

Aoshi's eyes snapped open. _What?! He was aware of Yuri lying next to him and that it was still dark outside and that the sun would rise soon. He tried to fall asleep again, but found that he could not. He got up and dressed himself. He left the room silently as to not awaken Yuri. He walked the familiar path to the temple to begin his morning meditations. After a few moments of attempting to clear his mind, but failing, he finally decided to figure out what was disturbing him so. Was it because of Misao's disappearance? That was probably it. He was confused. Ever since she left, all he could think of was Misao. _

Even if he did not show it, he felt guilty about what happened. He regretted the way he had unfeeling broken Misao's heart and had left her to her misery without giving her any explanations for his cruelty. He had hardly spoken to her because he was spending all his time with Yuri. He didn't even notice that she had stop bringing him tea. It probably seemed that he did not care about what happened to her. Didn't care if she died. If she disappeared. Yes, it would seem that way because if he had ever said anything to her, it was to criticize her skills as a leader. He had neglected her for so long, but yet she still loved him. Why? Why when all he did was hurt her? 

Aoshi knew that he was the cause of Misao's suicide attempt and was also the reason that she refused to ever see any of them again. A part of his heart yearned for her. Why? Why does he feel so empty without her there by his side? Why? When he has Yuri. He loved Yuri, did he not? That was why he was marrying her. Yet, all he could think about now was Misao's tears. He could only see her holding his kodachis to her heart. He could only see his weapons stained with her blood. His hands stained with her blood and the blood of his loyal companions, her best friends.He simply could not imagine never seeing her again. 

Then Aoshi begin to meditate to try to rid himself of the images. A soft voice of the past made him open his eyes. As he saw a younger version of himself holding little Misao close to his heart as they headed back to the Aoiya after their afternoon walk. _ _

_'Aoshi-sama! Does Misao-chan make you happy?' _

_'Aa. Misao-chan makes Aoshi-sama very happy.' _

_'Ne, Aoshi-sama. I love you always. Misao-chan will always love her Aoshi-sama!' _

_'Aa. Aoshi-sama will always love his little Misao-chan.' _

_'Aoshi-sama?' _

_'Yes Misao?' _

_'When you leave, will you tell me?' _

_'Yes, Misao.' _

_'You won't leave me alone ever? You promise?' _

_'I promise.'  _

The ghosts faded and before him he could see Misao. Blood stained her kimono and wounds covered her body. Her face was covered with tears, and she held his kodachis, which were blemished with crimson. Her blood. She had a haunting smile on her face, as her voice reached his ears. She cried out accusingly, her eyes were cold as she reprimanded him. 

_'Why? Why didn't you let me die?'  _

Aoshi reached out a hand to her. 

_'You didn't keep your promise Aoshi-SAMA! You left me alone. Misao-chan was so lonely. It feels so cold.'  _

Misao's smile turned mocking as she held the kodachis to her heart. 

_'Misao-chan will die now. That will make Aoshi-sama happy, ne?'  _

Aoshi tried to move, but something was holding him back. He saw Yuri calling out to him for help as a mysterious person held a blade to her throat. Misao was about to strike herself down. He had to choose and fast. His mind commanded him to go to Yuri, but something in the back of his heart screamed to him, beseeching him to save Misao. He listened to his mind and ran to Yuri just as she vanished from view. The hooded man that had been threatening Yuri pointed to the scene behind him. Aoshi froze and before him, Misao plunged the blades into her heart. Aoshi rushed forward and held her dying body in his arms. She smiled ruefully at him, and he shivered at the coldness the smile held. 

_'Ne, Aoshi-sama. You are happy now? Ne? Ne? You made Misao-chan very sad. You did this to your little angel. You destroyed me, and all I wanted was your happiness. Why did you have to save me? Death was merciful. You did this to me. Aoshi-sama, Misao-chan isn't happy anymore.'_

Misao coughed up more blood as a shaky laughter escaped her lips. Her laughter void of any humor but filled with defeat and bitterness that he had never guessed she could hold. For any unknown reasons, he felt the light in his life become dimmer and dimmer as the darkness of the abyss began to spread over him again. He stared at Misao, as she tried to say something. He leaned forward so that he might hear her words. _ _

_'What's the truth? To be honest… Aoshi-sama hates Misao-chan… I knew all along...'_

Aoshi flinched. "Misao-" 

Misao interrupted him coughing up more blood as the tears began to form once more and in her last breath, 

_'Iie…Mi..mi..sao..chan hates… Aoshi…sama.'_

Her eyes closed and death took her. He still heard her voice. _Misao-chan hates Aoshi-sama. Those words him like daggers to his heart and it made him think. Why did he suddenly feel part of him dying with Misao? __Misao… _

The illusion of Misao faded, but the blood. Her blood still stained his hands. He heard her voice, and the faint thumping of pain in the deepest caverns of his heart. 

_Misao-chan hates Aoshi-sama. _

Yes, that was had become of the two of them. He had driven the most important person in his life to hate him, but why didn't he feel any remorse? Yes, he didn't feel anything. He heard a voice and smiled when he saw Yuri at the door. He approached her and caressed her cheeks before kissing her. 

_Misao-chan hates Aoshi-sama. _

Yes, and then…. What? …. Then nothing. 

Can it really mean that much anymore? 

* * *

Mei fingered the small figurine in her hand. It was Misao's favorite one. The figurine reminded Mei of Misao. A female ninja garbed in all blue and black, with raven hair. Misao had told her once that her mother had given it to her when she was a baby. It was before they had found the hidden poison in her veins. Mei remembered the first time she had met Misao. Misao had been sitting by herself under a Sakura tree weeping, and Mei had just happened to find her. Mei had just moved to Kyoto with her family, and had no friends to speak of. Mei had asked Misao why she was crying. Misao responded that some people very special to her had left her behind. Mei felt sorry for her and they began to talk. Soon Misao's spirit returned to her, and she was laughing with Mei. The two girls ran back to the Aoiya together, but on the way Mei had accidentally collided with a boy that was two years older than both of them. The boy had tried to strike her, but Misao had blocked her and took the hit for her. Misao stood up to the bully. Mei had watched in awe as Misao kicked the bully as he lunged towards them. Her foot hit his stomach causing him to fall back. Mei smiled, that was when they were only eight years old. 

Since that day the two were inseparable. They trained together everyday, and Misao helped her in her studies to become a doctor. She had tried to follow Misao when she was told that Misao had left home in search of Aoshi. Mei was furious. Why did Misao care so much for the man that had abandoned her? That was when she had been told about Misao's past. About her mother's death. About witnessing her father's death. About how she lost everyone she ever loved. In the two years Aoshi had come back, Misao talked about nothing but making him smile. Mei had known Misao was suffering, and it pained her to see Misao's forced smiles. No, the person Misao had become was a shadow of the one Mei had grown up with. Whenever they got together to go shopping or train, Mei could sense the sadness surrounding her friend. Mei had never liked Shinomori that much. She blamed him for everything Misao went through. She blamed him for Misao's disappearance. But of course he was not to take all the blame. It was all of their faults. After they received word that Misao had not arrived in Tokyo, Mei had became worried and searched for Misao. She was angry with the other Oniwabanshuu for not doing so too. She searched for weeks and came back to Kyoto for rest before leaving on another search. 

She came to the Aoiya again to try and convince them to search for Misao. Of course they refused. She couldn't understand why. She knew they all cared for Misao. She knew how much Misao's absence had been hurting each and every one of them.

So here she sat underneath a tree gazing into her campfire. She sighed wistfully at the memories that had surfaced. Before she fell asleep, Mei beseeched the night skies, "Misao, where are you?" 

* * *

**Author's Notes**: Hmm… I really don't like this chapter. It was weird. I wrote it for the character building, you know? But there's one part I kinda like. It's the part with Aoshi. I must admit that was weird, but still. In this chapter, Aoshi is struggling with his feelings about Misao's absence. His guilt becomes so great and those images of Misao came. He doesn't understand why his heart his yearning for Misao when he was in love with Yuri. Poor him. So simple, yet so complex to him. Poor Aoshi.

(Think Sixth Sense) 

Aoshi: I see… missing people. 

Me: yeah…*sweatdrop* …right…

* * *

# **Preview of next Chapter…sorta…**

Misao…errr…a I mean someone else reflects and comes to a quick decision. 

Maybe some more of Aoshi….heh heh… and he's going to think about Misao and someone very close to the both of them. 


	6. Deep Within: Ch. 4b

Deep Within   
By: Jen 

_ Every day I wake up to another day gone by  
Nothing but the open road and the never-ending why  
Anything can happen, yeah, but nothin ever does  
I try to change, it's kinda strange, the same as it ever was, but look at us_  
- _ How Do I Deal?_ Jennifer Love Hewitt 

Chapter 4b- Reflections II: Mirror Images

His eyes traveled to the beautiful night, alit with millions and millions of twinkling stars. His gaze never left the crescent moon as it hung low in the black sky. For one moment, a reflection of him appeared once more as his hand reached out almost as to touch the beckoning moon, but then quickly dropped again to his side. As it always did, his mind begins to travel back to his childhood. 

_//Flashback// _

_'Oniichan! Oniichan! Where are you??!" _

_'Shh… little one. Don't wake up the whole house.' _

_'Oniichan!' _

_ 'Ne, what are you doing out of bed?' _

_'Ah…that is…I had a nightmare and you were it in and saw was 'kaasan, 'tousan, and jiisan. You were all together in Okina's garden and I was running towards everyone, but the closer I came, the further away you went. I was scared. I was running after you screaming for you to wait for me, but my voice was blocked by the wind. Then the light begin to fade I was left alone in the darkness. I felt so lonely, my heart hurt soo much. Oniichan, you won't leave me ever? Ne? Ne? Promise me??' _

_Blinking and looking at the little child in his arms, his answer came out in a gentle, resolved voice. 'Iie. I'll never leave you. I promise.'_

_'Arigatou, demo… it's a special promise so you have to promise on the moon.' _

_'Ehh?' _

_'Omasu-neesan said that promises made on the moon are the most special.' _

_'Sou da ne. Ok little one. I promise on the crescent moon in this night sky that I will never leave my chibi-chan alone.' _

_'WAI! WAI! I promise to be with niichan forever and ever.'_

_Chuckling he held his chibi-chan closer, until the child was close to sleep, he whispered to the night sky. 'Forever and ever. Hear that? Whenever you need comfort and I can't be there for you, look up at the moon and remember our promise.'_

_//End flashback//_

"Oniichan, why did you leave me? You promised. I need you so much." Ryuuen tried to seek comfort from the memory and the promise but found that his heart would just not allow any condolence. 

* * *

The man awoke from his slumber as he heard weak voice beseech him and for any unknown reason his heart constricted. His forest green eyes rested on the light outside his window provided by the moon hanging low in the sky. Somehow it comforted him as he remembered, and he was once again in a deep slumber. 

* * *

Aoshi stared at the night sky; his cool demeanor masking any emotion he might have felt. Six months since his life was thrown into turmoil. Six months since his heart began to long for the missing presence. Six months since the light faded from his life. It had been six months since Misao seemed to vanish into thin air. Had it really been that long? And what had he been doing in that time? Did he go look for her, as he should have done? Did he look for any messages that might have come for her? Did he as much as show any of his confusion? Not even anything close to any of those things, but he wasn't the only one. The other Oniwabanshuu did not do those things, they had refused to search for Misao. Only, Mei searched. Only Mei went out every week to look for Misao, but then return later to rest a few days before searching again. None of them could convince her to stop, her fierce determination and fear for Misao, kept her going despite their protests. She did what the others wanted to do, but they had not the heart to do so. So they remained at the Aoiya, hopelessly waiting for any message from Tokyo, never receiving. 

All, but Aoshi. He remained impassive as usual. Any signs of concern was hidden in that cool façade. No one could have guessed the turmoil he was feeling. So here he sat under the moonlight just gazing at the starlit sky, contemplating and trying to sort out the sudden agitation he was feeling. Of course looking up at the night sky made him remember the time when he wasn't the first person Misao ran to with her troubles. It brought back memories of his best friend and rival for Misao's affection, Misao's older brother, Eiji. Eiji was only two years younger than he, and yet they had so much in common. Painful childhood, both minds determined to master all the techniques of the Oniwabanshuu, both a favorite of their okashira, and both destined to be great warriors. Eiji never had his chance though. The only reason Aoshi had become okashira was because of Eiji's untimely death that fateful night. After that Misao had hardly left his side in fear of losing him too. He knew that Eiji was watching over them right now, and he would probably enraged at Aoshi for letting this all happen. For not protecting Misao, but how could he protect her from himself? No matter how much she persisted, he drew away, even fell in love with Yuri. 

_//Flashback// _

_'Ohayo Aoshi-san!' _

_'Yuri-san.' _

_'He doesn't talk much. Ne, Eiji-kun?' _

_'Aa. You'd be surprised just to hear him say one complete sentence.' _

_'Hey!' _

_Eiji and Yuri laughed. Aoshi was not amused. He knew that Yuri was Eiji's close friend and of that he was infatuated with her. He decided to leave them alone and turned to leave. _

_'Matte! Aoshi!' _

_'Nande?' _

_'Tonight oji- Hiroshi-sama and a bunch of us have to leave on a mission. Can you stay here and protect Mi-chan?' _

_Aoshi raised his eyebrow. 'Nani? How come I'm not going?' _

_Eiji's smile vanished. 'This is personal business in my family. We really need you here Aoshi.' _

_'Aa. I promise to protect her. Always.' _

_'Arigatou. Now let's practice so I can kick your ass again!' _

_Aoshi smirked. 'Go ahead and try.' _

_\End Flashback \\ _

He had broken his promises. He was not the same person anymore, nor was Misao the same little girl anymore. They were just mirror images of what was once there. 

* * *

Kaoru gazed wearily at the midnight sky. Her eyes were brimmed with tears of sorrow and worry. Six months. Six months since Misao's disappearance. When they first were notified of Misao's visit, Kaoru had been delighted. She had not seen Misao for over a year. She regretted this, but it couldn't have been avoided. She had been too busy with her new students at the dojo and caring for her daughter, Asuko. Misao had been too busy as the okashira and running the Aoiya. Kaoru had awaited Misao's arrival eagerly, and had begun to worry after a week and no sign of Misao. She sent word to Kyoto, but never received a reply. After three months, Kaoru sent another message to the Oniwabanshuu. She still received no response from them, and that caused her to write another letter, seeking information on Misao's whereabouts. Receiving no letters again, Kaoru became furious and distressed at the same time. 

"Kaoru?" Kenshin saw the distraught expression on Kaoru's face and understood immediately. " It's Misao-dono, right?" 

Kaoru nodded and Kenshin immediately embraced her, trying to comfort his wife. "It's ok Kaoru. I'm sure that Misao-dono is fine, wherever she may be." 

" Demo, she has been missing for so long. Six months, Kenshin. Six months, and no one has seen her. I sent so many messages to the Oniwabanshuu, but they won't ever reply! It is as if they don't care about Misao-chan anymore." 

"Iie. They still care about her. I'm sure of it. It's just probably too painful for them to bear, and perhaps by not answering your letters, they could feel comforted." 

"Comfort?" 

"Aa. Comfort. They don't want to admit that Misao is missing. If they don't answer your letters, then they could pretend that Misao is here, safe with us. Otherwise, they would truly be devastated." 

"But they should be looking for her! They should find her and take her home with them. So that she truly would be safe…. If I wasn't needed so badly around here, I would… I would…" 

Kenshin held Kaoru closer as he tried to ease her anxiety. "I know Kaoru. We all would… but that can't be helped. All we can do now is pray to Kami-sama to protect Misao-dono." 

Kaoru nodded and whispered sadly, "Please protect her…. Misao…" 

* * *

Ryuuen's eyes blinked open as he heard a familiar voice run through his head. "Kaoru?" 

Diminishing it as a figment of his imagination, Ryuuen looked around, noting that it was still nighttime. Deciding to begin his travels again, Ryuuen crept over to the pond nearby and begin to cleanse his face. After he dried his face, he caught a glimpse of himself in the water. The moonlight bounced back his reflection as he peered at himself through the liquid. He almost let out a hollow laugh at what he saw. His hair that hung a three inches past his shoulder was covered with leaves and dirt. His lips set in an emotionless straight line, and his once vibrant eyes were void of any life_. Much like… He stopped his line of thinking. A great deal had changed in past months since his departure from Kyoto. He had learned after a while, that he could not find peace. Those wounds on his heart would never disappear completely. He would always have the scars to make him remember. So he did the only thing he could do, hid buried his pain deep inside the darkest chambers of his heart, hoping… believing that they would never hurt him again. _

Soon after his discovery, Ryuuen had decided to finally go to Tokyo. Now he was on the outskirts of Tokyo and would go to his friends to stay after looking around Tokyo for a while. Walking and absently stroking his bird's feathers, Ryuuen began tour of Tokyo. 

* * *

"OI! I ordered you to tell me. WHO are you?! I don't make deals with anyone I don't know. Especially if it's going to be a murder." 

The figure turned around slowly and in a godlike speed attacked the leader, killing him. "I'm someone you can't order around." 

He turned his gaze to the rest of the thugs. "Any more questions?" 

They cowered in fear as they saw the murderous gleam in his silverish-colored eyes. 

"Good. Gen! Discard of this piece of shit." 

"Hai, okashira." They watched as the person rode off with his guards. 

"Okashira?" 

"Nande?" 

"Are you sure they can get the job done? Wouldn't it be better to send some of our clan to dispose of her?" 

"Shizu-chan. Do you doubt your okashira?" 

"Iie. That's not it." 

"Trust me. When Makimachi Misao steps into Tokyo, she will pay with her life for all of her family's sins against our clan. We will have revenge. Now come with me. I want you to entertain me tonight."

"Hai." 

* * *

"Okaasan, okaasan. That lady's wearing boy's clothes." The young boy's mom looked up to see Ryuuen walking by. He stopped when he heard the boy's comment. The little boy's mom hid him behind her. "Gomen nasai. My son is very loud sometimes and has a very imaginative mind." 

"Daijoubu. Ohayo chibi-chan. My name's Ryuuen. What's yours?" Ryuuen knelt down beside the little boy. "…Ken… Gomen ne, Ryu-niisan. I thought you were a girl." 

"It's ok. No harm done. See? I'm not mad." 

The boy's mom watched as the mysterious young man talked to her son. Though his voice was gentle, it lacked feeling. She studied to young man as her son stroked Ryuuen's bird. His face did have some feminine features, but not too much. She didn't really think of it as she smiled and said goodbye to the stranger. 

Ryuuen watched as the boy and his mom left._ He saw through my façade. An innocent like him saw through me. He did not have time to think about it anymore as he headed closer into the city. _

* * *

He had just past the Akabeko and was heading no where in particular, when he heard a young boy's curses. Ryuuen's head snapped up and headed into the alley where he saw thugs with a boy around Yahiko's age cornered. One of them brought his knife down on the boy to kill him. The boy's eyes closed as he awaited death, which never came. He opened his eyes to see himself alone. He ran out of the alley and saw the people who had attacked him before, surrounding someone. 

He weaved through the crowd to get a better look at the person who saved him. He was surprised to see a young male, very small in size in the center. He stood there calmly eyeing the gang. He held a smug expression on his ever-impassive face his eyes gleamed wildly. The boy watched in awe as he begins to attack the criminals.

* * *

Ryuuen gazed at the street trash circling him calmly. T_en against one. They think they're going to win. This is going to be so much fun. I haven't fought in a long time, I may be a little rough. Oh. Whatever. _ Ryuuen started off by launching a series of kicks and punches on three of them, knocking each one unconscious. Then he left gracefully in the air and arched his arm sending a shower of kunai at the rest of them. 

The leader's eyes widened as he saw the tiny little knives. 

_'You will know if it is Makimachi fighting when you are attacked with kunai, little throwing knives.' _

He dodged the kunai drawing out his knife along with another one of his comrades. Ryuuen knocked the knife out of his friend's hand easily, but could not block him as he got a hold of his arm.

_'Give her this.' _

He charged at his opponent with the knife in hand. 

_'But that's not very strong. It won't kill her.' _

_'Not true. She will already be feverish and would probably be wearisome from her travels. Besides she probably has not recovered from the major blood loss. Let this enter her and it would weaken her even more.' _

Ryuuen flipped in midair and landed on the roof, the thug following his movement.He knocked the leader unconscious, but did not see another one coming out him with a knife drawn. Shin swooped down knocking the knife away. Ryuuen took this opportunity to pin him down with his kunai. His head spun as he landed on the roof again, only to have his arm slashed by a knife. Ignoring the pain, he whirled around to see the fallen leader and jumped back into the air with the leader following him. With a quick sidekick to the back of his head, Ryuuen disposed this one too. He landed on the ground, wobbling at first. He suddenly felt very dizzy, feverish. He looked through the crowd and smiled at the boy whom he had saved, before walking away.

* * *

The boy watched in utter amazement as the mysterious man disposed of the thugs effortlessly. The movements and fighting technique fascinated him. He saw the man smiling at him and turning to leave. He quickly followed him, hoping to find out the person's name. 

Another person watched with interest at the fighting scene. The little old lady watched as this stranger perform a series of moves. Using a technique that only the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu would know. Ai watched saw the familiar kunai of her former okashira flew through the air. When she saw the stranger's face, her suspicions were confirmed. That person was none other than the missing okashira of the Oniwabanshuu. "I have to alert Okina-san. She's finally here." 

* * *

Ryuuen's mind was deep in thought. Today the image of the person he once was had flickered out again. Stronger that before. Of course. How long did he think he could pull this charade? He wasn't what he seemed. He was only a reflection of himself. A mirror image of what he once was. He suddenly felt very dizzy. His head spun as he tried to remain standing. His body ached all over and he suddenly felt lightheaded. He fell to ground and before he entered the arms of the welcoming darkness he saw a figure approach him. Then all was dark once more and the mirror image of him faded, leaving who he once was in its place. 

* * *

**Author's Notes (Ramblings): **

**Oi, minna-san. What did you think? Did it skip around too much? Probably. Gomen nasai about that. Did that even make sense? I don't know. So it's been six months, ne? Finally! A small glimpse of the enemy. Who could it be? He's got silver eyes! Cool! Who was that woman talking to him? Why does he want Misao-chan dead?Well let's see what happens next. Wait! Not yet! I didn't write the next chapter yet! Remember, feedback! Loved it? Hated it? Death threats??? Just send them, ne? I take anything from flames to comments. **

* * *

# Preview of next chapter…sort of…

"Someone please help me! Anyone! Onegai?!" Kenshin and Sano saw a young boy run out from the forest nearby screaming for help. He ran up to them and begged them, 

"Onegai, help me! There's a body in the road, and he's almost dead! Onegai you have to help him!" 

Kenshin's eyes narrowed. "Where?" 

"Over there! On that road! Hayaku! Hayaku!" The boy ran off leading the way with Kenshin and Kaoru and the rest of them racing behind him. They arrived on the road and saw the body faced down under the pouring rain. The boy ran up to the prone figure with Kenshin. Kenshin took the body into his arms, his eyes widening as he recognized the person's face. 

"Kenshin! Daijobou ka?" Kaoru knelt next to him with Asuko in her arms. Her eyes widened and she gasped when she saw the person's face. 

"Kami-sama! It's-"


	7. Deep Within: Ch. 5

**Deep Within**  
By Jen

_Calling out your name  
Your face is everywhere  
I'm reaching out to you  
To find that you're not there  
I wake up every night  
To see the state I'm in  
It's like an endless fight  
I never seem to win  
I can't go on as long as I believe  
Can't let go when I keep wondering  
__-Where Are You Now_ Britney Spears 

Chapter 5: Journey's End: 'Misao's Return'

"YAHIKO!"Kaoru's voice rang out through the dojo as she chased around her first student around the yard. Asuko watched her mother run after her niisan laughing when her father joined the chase trying to calm his wife down.

Yahiko ran for his dear life, but kept his insults coming, "Is that all you have? Che, you are an old hag."

"Yahiko! Come back here!" Kaoru ignored her husband's protests as she ran after Yahiko.

"Maa maa. Kaoru, calm down." Kenshin reached out to his wife and managed to grab her around her waist. Kaoru let out a loud squeak as she suddenly fell over on her poor husband. "Kenshin…"

She stopped when she heard her daughter's voice, "WAI! WAI! Do that again!!" The little girl was jumping up and down laughing her head off. Yahiko appeared again and scooped the little girl up in his arms. "Your 'kaasan is pretty funny, ne?"

"Hai! Hai!" Yahiko laughed at her enthusiastic nod. "Aiko-niisan is funny too!"

Yahiko blinked remembering that despite her impressive vocabulary, Asuko still couldn't pronounce his name right. He looked back to see Kenshin helping Kaoru up from the ground as she laughed quietly. He hadn't really meant to piss her off, but she had been to space out lately, worrying herself over Misao's disappearance.Truth be told, they were all worried about Misao. Kaoru however was pale with concern and had hardly slept for the past months. He just wanted her to go back to normal, so he did the only thing he could think of… insult her. Yahiko was relieved the old hag was back to normal, even if it was only for a few moments.

He looked over to see that Sano and Megumi had joined Kenshin and Kaoru. The adults talked for a few moments. He saw the troubled expressions on Kaoru and Megumi's faces and knew that they were talking about Misao. Where did that weasel girl go? _She was supposed to be here six months ago! Don't tell me she got lost or something. What about the Oniwabanshuu? Why aren't they answering us?_ His thoughts were cut short when Kenshin walked up to him and Asuko, picking the latter up in a bear hug. "Does Su-chan want to go to the Akabeko to eat?"

"Wai! Wai! Akabeko!" Asuko's enthusiastic reply made Kenshin smile. 

* * *

He came out of the shadows when he saw his savior collapse on the ground. He ran over to the fallen figure. "Oi! Are you alright?! Oi!"

He shook the prone figure. His hand made contact with the person's skin and quickly withdrew when he felt how cold the man before him was. It came to him suddenly "He's dying… I have to get help."

He got up and ran as fast as he could back into the city, the rain hindering his progress as he ran blindly through it.

* * *

The Kenshin-gumi said their farewells to Tae and Tsubame and left the Akabeko. Staying under their umbrellas for protection against the pouring rain. Kenshin felt uneasy as he walked along the path, he looked around to find any signs of danger. Kaoru, sensing her husband's uneasiness, turned to him and asked, "Kenshin, what's wrong?"

"I don't know. I have this very unsettling feeling that something bad just happened-"

A boy's voice interrupted their conversations with a plea for help. 

"Someone please help me! Anyone! Onegai?!" Kenshin and Sano saw a young boy run out from the forest nearby screaming for help. He ran up to them and begged them,

"Onegai, help me! There's a body in the road, and he's almost dead! Onegai you have to help him!"

Kenshin's eyes narrowed. "Where?"

"Over there! On that road! Hayaku! Hayaku!" The boy ran off leading the way with Kenshin and Kaoru and the rest of them racing behind him. They arrived on the road and saw the body faced down under the pouring rain. The boy ran up to the prone figure with Kenshin. Kenshin took the body into his arms, his eyes widening as he recognized the person's face.

"Kenshin! Daijoubu ka?" Kaoru knelt next to him with Asuko in her arms. Her eyes widened and she gasped when she saw the person's face.

"Kami-sama! It's-" Kaoru's face paled as she clutched Asuko closer.

"Jo-chan? Kenshin? Who is it?" Sano, Yahiko, and Megumi walked over to the little group. Megumi gasped when she saw whom it was. "Misao-chan!"

Hearing Megumi's voice, Misao slowly opened her eyes. "…minna?…"

Her eyes snapped closed again and she fainted.

Her medical instincts took over, and Megumi began to examine Misao. First she checked for a pulse and found a slight one, and then she checked for a heartbeat, receiving a minor thump.

"Hayaku Ken-san!Bring her back to the dojo! Sanosuke, go get my medical bag at the clinic. Hurry! Hurry! Her heartbeat is weakening!"

Kenshin held Misao's prone figure into his arms and began to run back to the dojo. Megumi and Kaoru ran after him. Yahiko and Sano started to run to the clinic.

"Matte!" The boy's voice stopped them. Yahiko studied the boy, who was about his age. "Nande?!"

"Will he be alright?"

Yahiko blinked. _he?! Is he talking about Misao? She did look like a guy for a minute._

"We'll find out when Megumi gets her supplies. We have to go get them from the clinic."

"I'm coming with you."

Yahiko looked at Sano who shrugged showing that it didn't matter and that he was leaving. Yahiko looked back at the guy. "Ok you can come too."

The boy nodded and the three of them ran to get the supplies.

"What's your name anyways kid?" Sano asked as they ran.

"Yu."

"Name's Sano and that's Yahiko."

Yu said nothing and they continued to run.

* * *

"Ken-san place Misao down on the futon." Megumi ordered as she begins to unpack her medical equipment.

Kenshin gently lay Misao down on the futon before turning to leave. Kaoru and Megumi made quick work of stripping Misao and placing a blanket over her. Kaoru placed a wet towel down on Misao's burning forehead while Megumi began to mix some medicines. She forced the medicine down Misao's throat. "That should bring down her fever a little."

Kaoru helped Megumi as they stripped Misao of the drenched clothes. Megumi removed her hand, and Kaoru gasped when she saw the blood that stained Megumi's hands.

The woman quickly removed the blanket that covered Misao's shoulder and saw a long gash on her right arm.

Kaoru tried to stop the bleeding with a cloth as Megumi grabbed some ointments and bandages. She quickly rubbed the medicine onto Misao's arm and tightly wove the bandages around her arm.

Kaoru took another towel and began to clean Misao's face, wiping away the dirt from her face and hair. Megumi found a sleeping yukata and dressed Misao in the light cloth. The woman secured the blanket tightly around the sleeping girl and left the room to meet with the others.

For the first time Kaoru noticed Yu was still with them. "Who's this?" 

"His name's Yu. Misao-dono saved him from a gang of thieves earlier in the evening." 

Yu bowed in greeting. "How is she?" 

"We managed to get a steady heartbeat and a strong pulse, demo… she is still threatened by death. Her fevers are really high." 

They were all quiet for a moment, before Kenshin spoke again. "Yu-kun was just about to tell us what happened." 

Yu nodded and began his story. 

"Earlier this afternoon, I saw a man with mahogany hair with silver eyes and this beautiful woman with long blackish-silver hair with gray eyes. They looked so strange, surrounded with so many guards. They carried weapons and wore dark clothing. I followed them because I was curious. They met with the people who were trying to kill me and begin to make a deal." 

_'Murder?!'  _

_'Aa. I want you to murder her.' _

"They wanted the thugs to kill someone, a woman. I listened for a name, but they didn't say it again until a little later. So I listened to what they were supposed to do. I know I should have left, but I was too interested in this. The leader was supposed to spread something on his knife, a liquid of some kind." 

_'Pour this on the blade of your knife and strike her with it. Even if it is a small cut, it could kill her.'_

"He said something about her being too weak and having not recovered from her attempted suicide. Then he described her. If this person uses kunai or kenpou then it would be her. That was the description, nothing more. He gave the thieves a large amount money. Then the leader questioned him, demanding to know who he is. Before I could even blink the leader was already dead. They left again and I heard something about revenge for his clan." 

_'When Makimachi Misao steps into Tokyo, she will pay with her life for all of her family's sins against our clan.'_

"I was about to follow them when one of the thugs grabbed me. They cornered me and were about to kill me. I closed my eyes waiting for death, but it never came. When I opened my eyes again, I was alone in the alley. I ran into the streets to see a small person fighting all of the criminals. He suddenly threw a bunch of knives and I realized that this person was the one they were to kill. Apparently so did the new leader as he drew out the tainted knife. I saw him slash the other guy's arm. After the fight I followed the person who saved me because he seemed to be feverish. I caught up with him to see him in unconscious in the road. Then I ran into to you. And you know what happens next." 

Kaoru took a moment before talking. "So someone is after Misao-chan?" 

"It would seem so. Everything seemed to describe Misao-dono, except for the attempted suicide part."Kenshin thought aloud for a moment. "Not only Misao-dono, but Aoshi too. I don't understand what they meant about Misao's suicide... she wouldn't try to commit suicide." 

"It's true." 

Everyone turned to Megumi who spoke softly, "When I was bandaging the gash on Misao's arm, I noticed some other cuts on her body. They were too small to be cut by the thug's knives. Only one weapon could slice her skin like that…" 

They waited for her to continue, and the bluntness of her tone told them it was true. "Aoshi-san's kodachis." 

"Nani?!" Kaoru cried out. "His kodachis?! You don't think he did that to Misao-chan, do you?" 

"I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but that's the best one I can think of." 

"…Or perhaps Misao-dono used his kodachis to hurt herself…?" 

"Nani, Kenshin? Why would weasel do something as stupid as that?" 

"We can't be sure. Not until Misao wakes up. Even then, I doubt we would find out. " Kenshin stated calmly, his voice filled with sorrow. A silence crept over the room as everyone thought about the ailing ninja.

* * *

"Okashira."

"What is it Shizu?"

"They've failed. Makimachi is with the Battosai."

"Daijobou."

"What of our revenge?"

"We will have our revenge. In the end, Makimachi will wished that she had never crossed us.

* * *

Mei entered the Aoiya, tired from her latest travels, and was greeted by Yuri, who had taken over Misao's spot as a waitress.

"Mei-sensei! You're back! Look at you! So tired and dirty. Let me fix a nice bath for you." Before Mei could protest, Yuri had dragged her off to the bathhouse. After Yuri left her alone, Mei sighed annoyed._ Where does she get off acting like my mother or friend? _Truth be told, Mei never liked Yuri. She was always the cause of Misao's pain, but Misao never blamed her or hated her. Mei believed that if Yuri had not come along, that icicle would have fell in love with Misao instead. But Mei couldn't change the past. It was all too late. Misao was missing and they may never see her again. Mei shook her head. She wouldn't lose hope now, not like the others did. Misao needed her, she wouldn't lose hope, not now, not ever._ Misao can you hear me? Come back to us onegai. We miss you._

Mei finished her bath and left the area to go look for Omasu or Okon. As she neared the front gates of the Aoiya, she saw a familiar figure running towards the restaurant. _Sa-kun! He's the messenger from Tokyo! Could it be? Is Misao finally there_? Mei began to run to him. "Sa-kun!"

He saw her and ran towards her. "Urgent message from Tokyo!" 

* * *

**Author's Notes**: Nothing much here either. Just more character building and story building, you know what I mean? Don't worry. It's going to get more angsty soon. If you don't like angst then I would stop reading from here on. But stick it out, you might actually like this story despite the angst. Hated it? Loved it? Send comments or flames.

* * *

**Preview of the next chapter (sorta)**

"Megumi-sensei!" Yu called out frantically and ran out of the room in search of Megumi. "Megumi-sensei! Hayaku!"

He found Megumi with Kaoru in the dining room having tea. The women looked up when he burst through the door. "Yu-kun? Daijobou?"

"It's Misao-san!" The women jumped up and hurried to Misao's room to find her tossing around convulsively. Megumi immediately forced some herbs into Misao's mouth, making the latter's movement stop. Kaoru wrapped another blanket around Misao's shivering form and tears slipped from her eyes. "Misao-chan... what happened in Kyoto?"


	8. Deep Within: Ch. 6

**Deep Within **  
By Jen

_Everywhere I go I see your face  
Every sound I hear is the sound of your voice  
Why are you haunting me  
Why are you haunting me  
Why can't I let you go  
Why are you haunting me?  
-Haunting Me _Stabbing Westward  


Chapter 6: Feverish Dreams: 'What happened in Kyoto?'  
  


"Sa-kun?!" Okina hear Mei's voice and recognized the male figure. He watched as Mei spoke with Sa. What Ai's boy doing in Kyoto. Not unless- 

"Urgent message from Tokyo!" 

Misao?! Okina and the rest of the Oniwabanshuu ran out to where Mei and Sa were speaking. Sa noticed Okina and went up to him. 

"Okina-san urgent message from okaasan! Misao-sama has arrived in Tokyo." 

"She just arrived in Tokyo? Did she look alright?" Okina pressed Sa for more answers, but he shook her head. "I don't know. Okaasan said that she saw Misao fighting a gang of thugs that were trying to hurt Tae-san. She took care of them easily, but okaasan said that she was hurt by one of the gangster. One of them had managed to cut Misao with his knife." 

Mei gasped, "What happened? Is Misao alright?" 

"We're not sure yet." 

"When did she arrive?" 

"Four days ago. As soon as she arrived, okaasan sent me here with a message." 

Mei stood up. "I'm going to Tokyo."She saw the looks on the other's faces and added. "Alone."

Yuri was incredulous, "Demo…we want to see Misao-san too."

Mei shook her head. "Iie. I doubt Misao is ready to see any of you. If you think about it. She said that she didn't want to come back to Kyoto ever again. I'm sure she just wants to forget everything that happened and move on. I'm going to visit her because I know she needs me. Out of all of us in this room, she probably wouldn't mind seeing me."

The Oniwabanshuu looked down, guilt clearly on their faces. Sa looked around. "Where's Aoshi-sama?"

"He's at the temple."

"Shouldn't we let him know about Misao."

"Hai. I'll go tell him." Yuri walked off, leaving them. 

"When are you going to leave?" Okina asked Sa and Mei. 

"Now."

"Nani?!"

"Misao might need me. I'm leaving now." Mei and Sa prepared for the journey and before night settled in they were on their way to Tokyo. 

* * *

"How is she?" 

Megumi shook her head. It had been more than a week since they had found Misao. Her condition hadn't improved over time, not they only seem to worsen. She would often cry out in her feverish manners, and Megumi wondered what dream could be hurting Misao so much. 

"It depends on her will to live. If she doesn't want to live, then she doesn't have long." 

"Can't we help her? Isn't there anything we could do to help her?"

"Iie. It's all up to Misao-chan now."

"Kami-sama please help her."

* * *

"Misao… Misao…"  


Misao awoke to the sound of her name echoing through her ear. She blinked and found herself in complete and total darkness. She got up and blindly walked around.

  
"Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?" 

  
Suddenly she found herself running fast towards a place, her heart racing. She had to get there… but where was she going? Her eyes widened when she saw her destination, and she tried with all her might to stop. But nothing could stop the past, and she found herself throwing a door open. She tried to look away, but to no avail. All she could see was Jiya falling to floor as if lifeless, blood spewing everywhere, and she saw Aoshi's cold figure walking past her, uttering those words that tore her heart apart as it had done that day two years ago. Misao tried to run after him and again the scene changed showing her another memory. She ran towards Aoshi and hugged him, smiling and welcoming him home. She tried to ignore the pain she felt when he snubbed her. "Aoshi-sama."  


"Nande?"  


Misao jumped as she realized the scene had changed again. She watched as the figure of herself say something to Aoshi, and running away with tears in his eyes at his response. Misao turned away remembering the words that had begun it all… the words that had destroyed her. 'I don't love you.'  


Misao turned away from Aoshi's impassive figure, not wanting to see his face after that confrontation. But if she had continued looking at him, she would have seen the single tear that had suddenly came from his eyes, dropping silently onto the wooden temple floor. If she had continued to look at him, she would have seen the anguish on his face, but she didn't. She had turned away to avoid the pain of that memory.

* * *

"How much further to Tokyo?" Mei asked Sa as they continued to travel quickly.

"We should be there tomorrow afternoon." Sa glanced at his companion and saw her face determination mixed with distress. "Daijobou ka? We should take a break."

"Iie. I'm fine. I just want to get to Tokyo. Misao needs me. I'm the only one who can understand her right now."

* * *

Misao was once again plunged into the darkness; the scene before her changed and she heard voices. "Are you sure about this?"  


"Hai. We're going to get married, ne?"  


"Aa."  


"Then it's fine. Aishiteru, Aoshi."  


"Aa. Aishiteru."  


Misao's eyes widened and she gasped in horror. She huddled closer into the closet, and covered her ears from the less desirable sounds coming from the other side of the closet. When she took her hand away from her ears, she heard herself knocking on Yuri's door and the conversation that seemed to decide her fate. She saw herself running away from the scene and towards Mei's clinic. Misao wondered why she could not see herself anymore, but then heard Aoshi and Yuri's conversation. The conversation they had after she ran off.  


"Anata, did you notice something different about Misao-san?"  


"…" Misao found herself in Yuri's place during the conversation.  


"She seems so distant and ill lately. Perhaps you should talk to her."   


"Iie. That's not necessary. Misao is just going through adjustments right now."  


"What sort of adjustments?"  


"Us."  


"Nani?"  


"Misao had this childish infatuation with me, and it seems that she believed that she really loved me."  


"… that poor girl."

Misao suddenly felt herself grow cold. _Was that all it was…is? A childish crush? It can't be… for if it was, then she wouldn't feel all the pain she was feeling now. A childish crush? No, it couldn't be…_

* * *

"Megumi-sensei!" Yu called out frantically and ran out of the room in search of Megumi. "Megumi-sensei! Hayaku!"  


He found Megumi with Kaoru in the dining room having tea. The women looked up when he burst through the door. "Yu-kun? Daijobou?"  


"It's Misao-san!" The women jumped up and hurried to Misao's room to find her tossing around convulsively. Megumi immediately forced some herbs into Misao's mouth, making the latter's movement stop. Kaoru wrapped another blanket around Misao's shivering form and tears slipped from her eyes. "Misao-chan... what happened in Kyoto?"  


"Many things."  


Everyone in the room jumped at the female's voice and turned around to see a woman they had never seen before. Her long black hair was matted with dirt and leaves, and her violet eyes wearily looked about the room and widened in horror as they rested on Misao's form. "Misao!"   


The woman rushed forward, but was blocked by Kenshin and Sano. Her eyes flashed angrily. "What are you doing?! Move out of my way!"   


Kenshin's eyes narrowed slightly. "Who are you? What do you want with Misao-dono?"

* * *

Such cruelness. How could something hurt her so much? No matter how much she tried to run away the images plagued her, staying with her.   


Her father's death. Aoshi leaving her. His betrayal. His rejection of her love. Her suicide attempt. Why was it so cold? So cold. Misao could feel the ice creeping over her heart, incasing it. Everywhere she looked, there was nothing but darkness or a painful memory. She saw someone step away from the shadows. "Aoshi-sama?"

* * *

Mei stood frozen in place when the red headed man pulled out his sword, standing defensively in front of Misao's unconscious figure. 

"Who are you?" This time the tall brown-headed man asked her. 

"Daijobou!" 

All heads turned to Yu, who had just run in. 

"Yu-kun?" Mei sighed in relief. 

"Daijobou. She's Misao-san's friend from Kyoto!" 

Mei nodded and spoke. "Mei desu." 

Kenshin sheathed his sword, but his eyes didn't lose its doubt. "How can we be sure that you're not here to hurt Misao-dono…. How do we know you're really her friend?" 

"I don't know how else I can prove to you that I'm her friend. I'm just really worried about her, onegai can I see her? Onegai?" 

Kenshin was about to protest but stopped when Misao's voice cut through the air. 

"ONEGAI! Don't leave me! JIYA? MEI? MINNA!! ONEGAI!" 

Mei rushed pass Kenshin who let her pass after hearing Misao scream her name. Mei held Misao's trembling figure in her arms. "Onegai…onegai… don't leave me … one…gai.." 

"Daijobou, Misao. Daijobou. I'm here. I won't leave you." Mei studied Misao closely. 

How much she had changed in the past six months! She was frailer and her skin was as pale as snow. Her arm was covered in bandages, and she shivered despite the many blankets wrapped around her. Mei brushed a strand of hair away from Misao's face. _Misao… come back to us… _

* * *

"Aoshi-sama?" Misao was startled when Aoshi emerged from the shadows. "What are you doing here? Where are we? Aoshi-sama?" 

Aoshi walked towards her steadily, and Misao tried to move towards him, but found that something was holding her back. Misao looked down at herself and found manacles holding her still. The chains tore her skin making her bleed as she squirmed. "Aoshi-sama?" 

Aoshi had taken out his kodachis and was holding them out before her, intent on killing her. Misao tried to back away, but she seemed to be chained to Aoshi. He was now before her. "Aoshi-sama! Stop! Onegai!" 

He ignored her words and looked her dead in the eyes. His eyes were so cold and they held a deadly gleam as he plunged the kodachis into her. "I don't love you." 

With each word he uttered, Aoshi moved his weapons deeper into her, killing her and her heart. When finally he moved away and withdrew his weapons, she found that she was still alive. And yet, her heart was still bleeding… and she was still chained to him. No, she wasn't dead. She was far past it… for she was living while dead. Her spirit had died, but her body had continued to live… to live and feel more pain. She saw her beloved family and friends and reached out to them, but they moved away leaving her to be emerged into the darkness. 

"ONEGAI! Don't leave me! JIYA? MEI? MINNA!! ONEGAI!" Her silent cries were blown away by the winds leaving nothing but a stir of echoes. 

She wanted so badly to give into the darkness, but she heard a healing voice call through the shadows, beseeching her. 

_Misao… come back to us…  _

* * *

Mei did not take her eyes away from Misao's distraught face. 

"Mei-san?" 

Mei turned around and found herself face to face with a lovely young woman. Her blue eyes were gentle. 

"Hai?" 

"Can you tell us what happened in Kyoto?" 

"Hai." 

Everyone began to leave the room and followed Kaoru to the porch just outside of Misao's room. After the proper introductions were made, Mei began to tell her story. 

* * *

**Author's notes**: Boring? Maybe… I don't know. How did you like it? Send comments, ne? You will won't you? 

**Preview (sorta):**

"So Misao tried to kill herself because Shinomori-san didn't love her?" 

"Iie. That's not all. She was suffering so much. She lost everything in the past two years. No one saw her misery. She wouldn't talk to me about it… and I'm afraid that Misao will never be the same again. 

Sano punched his fist angrily. "This is all Shinomori's fault. He didn't even care that she tried to kill herself. The next time I see that fucking icicle, I'm going to pound his face in for what he did to he-" 

"IIE!" 

Everyone turned back to see Misao leaning heavily against the doorframe. "Iie." She repeated. "It wasn't his fault. It was mine. It was my fault that I loved… that I still love him so much." 


	9. Deep Within: Ch. 7

**Deep Within**  
By Jen 

_ For a long time I was in love  
Not only in love, I was obsessed  
With a friendship that no one else could touch  
It didn't work out, I'm covered in shells  
And all I wanted was the simple things  
A simple kind of life  
And all I needed was a simple man  
So I could be a wife  
-Simple Kind of Life _No Doubt 

Chapter 7: A Love That Cease To Be: 'Time will help my heart learn to forget.'

Misao could hear Mei's voice… and the rest of the Kenshin-gumi's voices too. Walking towards the voices made the darkness disappear into a soft glowing light. Blinking Misao opened her eyes. _Where am I? _** **

* * *

"After Misao came home from Tokyo two years ago with Aoshi-san, nothing changed. Misao served him his tea faithfully every morning. She tried everything to make him smile. After a while, he began to talk to her. They became friends in a way. She talked; he listened and answered sometimes. It was a very big improvement, but for Misao it wasn't enough. Her love for him was strong and was becoming stronger each day that passed. Finally she decided to talk to him about their relationship. She finally got the nerves to voice her feelings to him, but he had become distant to her lately and she was afraid. She came to me for advice. I never liked Aoshi-san and always wondered why she had loved him. I asked her this. And what she told me…" 

* * *

"Mei? What do you think I should do? Mei? Hello?" Misao waved her hands in front of Mei's face. "Are you in there?" 

Mei came out of her reverie. "Hai. Misao why do you love Aoshi-san so much?" 

Misao was taken back by the question, but the answer came from her heart. "Because of the way he makes me feel whenever I'm around him. The way my heart flutters when he speaks with me. The chill in my spine when I feel him watching me… Because I love him so much, and somewhere in my heart, I know that we are meant to be together. It didn't happen over night. I've always loved him; the feeling just grew over the years and makes me feel complete. I don't know what it would be like if I didn't love him. It wouldn't make sense because everyone knows that Misao will always love Aoshi…" 

* * *

_It will always be that way… Misao loves Aoshi…. Aoshi doesn't love Misao. Misao thought bitterly as she listened to the rest of Mei's narration. From the time Aoshi had brought her back to Kyoto to her suicide attempt. Misao found herself going through it all over again. How many times would she have to feel this pain before it would leave her be?** **_

* * *

"… after rejecting her love… Aoshi became closer to a woman that had moved into the Aoiya permanently. He grew to love her, as did everyone else… Misao seemed to be forgotten… pushed to the background. On the night they announced their engagement, Omasu found a suicidal note in Misao's room. They found her in the weapon's storage area. She was cutting herself with Aoshi-san's kodachis and came close to killing herself completely by stabbing herself with the blades… but… Aoshi…he saved her… that night, Misao disappeared. I don't know why she did… but she left. For the past months, I have been looking for her… but I couldn't find her until now." 

* * *

_Mei… you were looking for me? Gomen nasai… gomen for making you worry._ Misao apologized to her best friend, her heart crying out.

* * *

"So Misao tried to kill herself because Shinomori-san didn't love her?" 

"Iie. That's not all. She was suffering so much. She lost everything in the past two years. No one saw her misery. She wouldn't talk to me about it… and I'm afraid that Misao will never be the same again. 

Sano punched his fist angrily. "This is all Shinomori's fault. He didn't even care that she tried to kill herself. The next time I see that fucking icicle, I'm going to pound his face in for what he did to he-" 

"IIE!" 

Everyone turned back to see Misao leaning heavily against the doorframe. "Iie." She repeated. "It wasn't his fault. It was mine. It was my fault for loving him." 

"Misao!" 

"Misao-chan!" 

"Misao-dono!" 

Mei and Kaoru rushed to help their weak friend, but Misao pushed their hands away. She looked at them square in the eyes. "You can't… you shouldn't blame Aoshi for what happened… it wasn't his fault… he didn't ask me to love him… I did it out of my own free will. He didn't chain me to him and make me his slave. I did it all… it was all my fault…" 

Misao stopped before she began to cough up blood and fell to the floor. Kenshin reached out and caught her before she could hit the cold hard floor. He held her against him as the rest crowded around him. 

"… it's not his fault…that he didn't love me…" 

"Misao…" 

"Never blame him! Blame me! I deserve it. I was such a fool… a fool for believing that he would ever love me…" 

Kaoru took Misao from Kenshin's arms. "Misao-chan…" 

Misao huddled closer to Kaoru, not wanting to feel the iciness that had followed her. "I'm such a fool… a fool … to ever believe… a fool…" 

* * *

Mei and Kaoru nodded their head in agreement and walked into Misao's room. They were surprised to find her already up and writing in something. Mei recognized it to be her journal. "Misao?" 

Misao looked up startled and quickly closed her journal. "Hai?" 

Mei and Kaoru exchanged looks. It had been a week since Misao had awoken. She was still feverish, but was recovering slowly. She spent her days in her room, barely eating anything unless she was forced to. Sometimes they would find her sitting on the rail outside her room staring out into the distant as if waiting for something…. Or someone. Her actions worried them, but they kept quiet and let her deal have her space. Today they decided that it would be best for Misao, if they went shopping. 

"Misao, come to the market with us today." 

Misao made a movement to reject their offer, but saw the looks on their faces and sighed before agreeing. "Hai." 

As they walked along, Mei and Kaoru bought many things. Misao just followed them ignoring all the men who stared at her admiringly. She was once again wearing a ninja outfit that Mei had made for her. 

Mei turned around and tried to make conversation with Misao. "Ne, Misao. Isn't this fun?" 

"Hai." 

"Just like old times, ne?" 

"…hai." 

"Did you find anything that you liked?" 

"No." 

Mei frowned at Misao's one-word answers. "Misao? Daijobou?" 

"Iie. It's nothing. Ne, let's go look over there." 

Misao walked off without getting Mei's answer. Mei watched her sadly. Misao no longer had a spring in her movements, instead they were slow and steady… so unlike Misao. But Misao was unlike herself right now. Misao didn't say a word for the rest of the time and went straight to her room when they got back. 

"We should talk to her." Megumi came up behind the two women and they all nodded. "We really should…" 

* * *

"Asuko!? Where are you?!" Kaoru went about searching for her daughter, wondering where she could have gotten off. She had been in every room in the dojo… every room, but Misao's. She walked over to her door and opened it gently. She was surprised to see Misao holding a sniffling Asuko. 

"What happened?" Kaoru rushed over to their side. 

"She tripped coming into my room and hurt her knee. I was just singing to her to calm her down." Misao calmly said as Megumi and Mei came into the room. 

"Misao-neesan's song was so pretty! Demo… it was so sad… Misao-neesan are you sad?" Asuko's innocent question took Misao by surprise, but she lowered her head. "Hai." 

"Why?" 

"Because… because…" 

"Asuko, it's time for bed. Go find otousan and get him to tuck you in. Misao-neesan needs to rest." Kaoru gently ordered her daughter. 

"Hai!" 

Misao did not notice Asuko's departure as she began to spoke. "…Because of love." 

Mei's eyes widened slightly. _Love?_

"Perhaps you wonder what I mean by love? Picture this pain. It hurts so greatly. It feels as if many knives are piercing themselves into your very being. You wonder if something can come in and take away the hurt and pain. There is such a thing. It's strong and once you find it, you never want to let go of it. It spreads through you, leaving behind a warm feeling in your heart." 

_Aoshi-sama? Next time, we'll come toTokyo together, ne? _

_…Aa.  _

"Love. Love gets you through the rough times. Love helps you survive. To love and be loved. It is such a wonderful, refreshing feeling. It is so wonderful, and makes you want to share it with someone. Love transforms you. You are beautiful because your face and being glows with happiness and love. It makes you believe you can take on the world, just as long as you are together with that special someone."  


Kaoru thought of her wedding day. How happy she was! How she felt like she could take on anything.  


"It just happens so suddenly. You can never plan love or when it will come over you. It just happens. It is what makes you feel complete inside. And you would do anything to protect that feeling of peacefulness."  


_It didn't happen over night. I've always loved him; the feeling just grew over the years and makes me feel complete.  
_

"But there is something that could come in and break all that peace. Unrequited love. To know that you love someone with all your heart, body, and soul, and yet they still refuse you. You give them your heart and they refuse to return your feelings. You find out that, the special person, the one who had stolen your heart, loves someone else. Never you. No matter how much you want to believe or hope. It will never be you."   


_I gave up my happiness for him. But does he care? Does he thank me? Does he love me? No. He never could love. He never could smile. Not for me. Not for my sake. He loves Yuri-san. He smiles for her. He cares for her. Not me. Her.  
_

"With unrequited love comes the all too familiar sense of heartache. It washes itself over you, trapping you in its cruel game of love. Unrequited love destroys your whole existence. Your soul sinks deeper and deeper into the darkness. It leaves you barren, empty, and weak. You are dying, but there is no one who cares or wants to care."   


_Could this have really happened to you? Misao…_ Mei gazed at her friend, who was gazing at the crescent moon.   


"Then after a while, you feel a sense of longing. A desire that could never be fulfilled. You want more than anything to just take your life away. To escape the pain that had come back to haunt you. The urge becomes so great that you do try to take your life away, but you are stopped right at the moment. Saved by none other than the person who had became your tormenter in this horrible game of love."    


_Why? Why didn't you let me die?  
_

"So you run away. Hoping to forget, wanting to forget. But the memories persist. For you can never forget. You can never erase the past. No matter how hard or how far you run, the memories will always be there at your side, in your heart. You can only look towards the future. No matter how gloomy. Living when you are already condemned is not living at all."   


_Is it really to late? Gomen nasai, Misao-chan…_ Kaoru wanted to go and hold Misao to tell her that she was there for her.   


"Love leaves scars on your body and heart. Scars that will disappear overtime but never fully heal. Love is like a distant dream. Fading in one's life. Love is a dream that one can never have."  


Misao's eyes never left the glowing moon as it basked it light upon her sorrowful form.** **

  
"To make matters worse, you can't erase the memories of your love. It stays in you heart. You find that no matter what; you are chained to the one that you love more than anything. Chained to the one person who could be your life or be your death."   


_ He didn't chain me to him make me his slave. I did it all… it was all my fault…"_  


"So you do the only thing that you can do. You bury all your emotions deep in your heart's chambers. In a place where they can never hurt you again. Build a barrier of ice around your heart. So that it may be protected. And you want to release all the pain through the familiar wetness of tears. But you can't. You find that you can't anymore. The tears just won't come. They won't."   


Misao's eyes traveled to her listeners. The women had tears in their eyes from their friend's words. For the first time since her arrival, everyone could see her soul. For now her eyes gave them the passageway to her soul. Her beautiful blue eyes glowed with such sadness. Still no tears appeared in her eyes. Misao looked around at everyone's face. They were watching her silently with rueful expressions. Misao lowered her head and spoke the words that harbored in her heart for many months. "Love is wonderful and beautiful, but it can also destroy… that is why I have decided to give up. I have given up my love for Aoshi… that is the only way for me to be able to heal." 

"Demo… Misao-chan… you still love him." 

"Even so, I know that eventually…time will help my heart learn to forget." 

"Misao…" 

"Ah! Daijobou Kaoru! Misao-chan will learn to love again over time, like she said." Megumi interrupted her friend's next sentence.   


Misao turned away from the window and walked to the railing and leaned against it, staring at the moon. _ Oniichan, please help me start over. Give me strength._ "Iie, Megumi-san. I don't want to love again." 

"Nani?!" 

"I can't trust myself to love anymore. I can't trust my heart to love."

_I can't trust my heart to love. Okaasan, did you ever feel this way? Onegai, watch over me. _

* * *

Misao looked up from writing in her journal and her gaze rested just outside her window. She could hear the sounds of someone grunting and punching objects. She grabbed her shawl and wrapped it around her sleeping yukata, and stepped away from her room. She walked silently in the shadows until she reached the front of the dojo. She was surprised to see the boy Yu practicing some moves that looked like Sano's. He must be teaching the kid some techniques. She continued to watch, amazed at the boy's silent and quick motions. Perfect for a ninja. She mused. Perhaps I should teach him some kenpou. Misao decided to test Yu and launched herself in a silent-kicking move. Yu sensed someone behind him and barely managed to dodge the person's movements. 

He continued to dodge, unable to fight back. After a while his opponent stopped and landed in front of him. His eyes widened when he saw who was attacking him. "Wha-?" 

"Sanosuke is teaching you how to fight isn't he?" Her soft voice filled his ears. 

"Hai." 

"Can you handle two fighting styles at one time?" 

"Nani?" 

"You would make a perfect ninja." 

"Eh?" Eyes narrowed in confusion. 

"Do you want to learn the Oniwabanshuu fighting technique, kenpou?" 

"Hai!" 

"I will teach you then, but you can't give up your lessons with Sano. He is your first teacher and I, your second. Can you handle both?" 

"…" 

Misao waited patiently for him to answer. "Hai." 

"Good. We will begin tomorrow."[][1]

* * *

Author's Notes: Boring angst, that's what this is. Are you crying?! Don't be! There's a lot more angst coming up soon! Loved it? Hated it? You know what to do. The usual. ^_^;;

**Preview of the next chapter sorta  
  
**"Aoshi?"  
  
"What is it Yuri?" Aoshi sighed as she wrapped her arms around him.  
  
"Okina-sama sent a letter to Tokyo. We may get to see Misao-san soon."  
  
_Misao?_ Yes, he needed to see Misao right now. But why? Why did he need to see her so bad? He loved Yuri. He was engaged to Yuri... but his the deepest part of his heart yearned to see Misao. Why? He had Yuri... could his heart be trying to tell him something? What was this urgent feeling to see her? Misao... his Misao-chan. The little girl who followed him everywhere. The young woman who had become his friend in a way. The young ninja whose heart he had broken so many times. The need to see her was becoming so great... why?  


   [1]: file:///A:/Deep%20Within/Deep%20Within6.doc



	10. Deep Within: Ch. 8

**Deep Within**  
By Jen

_You say you've been hurt  
Well you're not alone  
As you race through this life  
What you keep to yourself  
Can turn you to stone  
All it would take is one kind word  
To be heard  
Come on and give a little bit  
Try to forgive a little bit_  
-_Show Some Emotion_ Celine Dion

Chapter 8- Escaping Emotions: 'She's beginning to become like you Aoshi-san.' 

"Konnichiwa. Welcome to the Aoiya, how may I hel-" Omasu stopped in mid-sentence when she realized who had just answered. A face she had not seen in the past three months since news came of Misao's arrival in Tokyo. "Mei-chan!" 

Mei bowed in greeting. "Konnichiwa Omasu-san. How is every-" 

She didn't have time to finish her sentence before Omasu and Okon caught her in a hug. "Minna…" 

By then Okina, Shiro, and Kuro were there too. 

"Welcome back Mei." 

"Arigatou. Demo…I'm not going to be staying long. I bring word from the Himuras and our other friends in Tokyo." 

"They are well I hope?" Okon asked. 

"Hai. Everyone is doing fine. Asuko is growing up beautifully. Yahiko-kun and Yu-kun are learning new fighting methods, Megumi-sensei and Sanosuke seem to be getting closer, Kaoru-san and Himura-san are busy taking care of Asuko and running the dojo…" Mei watched them for a minute. She could see that they wanted to know of Misao… that the information she had just given them were not as important, but she knew that they wouldn't ask. They would wait until she spoke of Misao and then ask their questions. Instead, Okina asked another question. 

"Who's Yu-kun?" 

"He is Sanosuke and Misao's student. Well minna, I have to go down to the clinic and gather some of my belongings. I'll be back for dinner. " That was all she said and she smiled before she left. She left the Oniwabanshuu in their state of confusion. 

"Did she just say the Yu-kun was Sanosuke and…" Omasu didn't finish her sentence, but Shiro did it for her. 

"Sanosuke and Misao's student?" 

"Aa. She did." 

The information left them confused. Misao was teaching someone the ways of an Oniwabanshuu? Why would she do that? 

* * *

For once Aoshi wasn't meditating instead he had decided to take a walk to get away from reality. His mind shifted to the events in the past few months… the months since they received word that Misao had arrived in Tokyo. When Yuri had told him the news, his heart was suddenly soothed and the turmoil was erased from it. He had heard that Mei was going to stay with Misao in Tokyo, but she had come back for a visit and to gather some of her belongings. She hadn't spoke of Misao, refusing to answer any of their questions. The only thing she would say about Misao was that she was doing fine. That was it. It was enough to drive the others mad. He headed off the trail and turned his attention up into the trees where he saw Mei watching him. 

"Mei-san?" She nodded in greeting and jumped down from the branches and landed on the ground softly next to him. 

"Aoshi-san, Ohayo." 

"Nande?" 

"I wanted to tell you before I told the others…" Mei began and paused. 

"Tell me what?" 

"Misao has decided to permanently live in Tokyo, and she says that she will never come back to Kyoto." Mei finished quickly and looked at him, studying him for any reaction. 

"She is living with the Battosai and that ex-gangster. She's completely protected…" 

"HIMURA-SAN has a wife and child to protect. Sanosuke has to look after Megumi-sensei and Kaoru-san. Misao only has herself… and… considering her will to live, that isn't much protection." 

"She is living with the Battosai and that ex-gangster. She's completely protected…" 

"HIMURA-SAN has a wife and child to protect. Sanosuke has to look after Megumi-sensei and Kaoru-san. Misao only has herself… and… considering her will to live, that isn't much protection." 

"Her will to live?" Aoshi raised a questioning eyebrow. Mei glanced away from him into the distance. 

"Misao… she's… her ki still isn't strong… she doesn't have the will to live. For the first few weeks during her recovery from her illness, all she did was walk around, staring into the distance as if she was waiting for someone to come for her… and her eyes… they're so hard… unfeeling…" 

Aoshi didn't know what to say. Mei's words didn't seem to sink in quickly, and said nothing in response, so Mei continued trying to reason with him. 

"…her eyes show no emotions…she's lifeless… and she's become so cold." 

"…" 

Mei was angered even more when Aoshi showed no emotions. "Have you nothing to say?" 

"… it is better for her to stay in Tokyo…" _Where I can't hurt her. Aoshi finished his thought in his mind. _

"She needs you! Can't you see that yet?! After so long, are you still so blind as not to see how you really love her?! That perhaps… no… I know that you love her as much as she does you! Why can't you realize that? Why?! Misao isn't herself anymore. I don't know what she's become…" 

Mei's eyes began to well up in tears that she had kept in the last several emotion racking months. Aoshi immediately wrapped his arms around her, offering his shoulder. Mei cried from all the pain of the last months, she cried for Aoshi, she cried for Misao, but most of all, she cried for the love that Aoshi had refused to give Misao, _I can't help her. No one can… only him…and he doesn't even care… _

"Gomen nasai. I got your shirt wet. I'm going back to Tokyo today. Sayonara, Aoshi-san." 

Mei began to walk off, but before she did, she turned around for the last time to face Aoshi. 

"She's beginning to become like you Aoshi-san…" And she walked off. 

* * *

"Sayonara minna. I'll come back for a visit in a few months." Mei waved before she left with Sa who had come to accompany her home. 

"Sayonara Mei-san!" 

"Sayonara Mei!" 

"Sayonara Mei-chan!" 

They watched Mei walked further and further away until she disappeared from view. 

* * *

Aoshi did not see Mei off with the others, instead he had spent his time in his room, trying to meditate. But every time he tried to clear his mind, Mei's voice would fill his head._ __ _

_"Misao has decided to permanently live in Tokyo, and she says that she will never come back to Kyoto."__ _

It is better for her to stay there… 

_"Misao… she's… her ki still isn't strong… she doesn't have the will to live. For the first few weeks during her recovery from her illness, all she did was walk around, staring into the distance as if she was waiting for someone to come for her… and her eyes… they're so hard… unfeeling…"_

Then why did his heart tell him differently?_ ____ _

_"She's beginning to become like you Aoshi-san."_

Was she really becoming like him? Impossible. She couldn't possibly know what it was like to succumb to the darkness. Impossible when she was light… light does not give into darkness. _ __ _

_"…her eyes show no emotions…she's lifeless… and she's become so cold."_

But the light had died in her not so long ago, almost a year. He had seen that much when she had tried to kill herself. It was because of him. He, the darkness had broken her, the wonderful light that shone for all. _ ____ _

_"She needs you! Can't you see that yet?! After so long, are you still so blind as not to see how you really love her?! That perhaps… no… I know that you love her as much as she does you! Why can't you realize that? Why?! Misao isn't herself anymore. I don't know what she's become…"__ _

_Misao… why am I feeling the way I do now? Why is my heart yearning for you? Could it possibly… could Mei have been right_? Aoshi shook his head. _It couldn't be… _

Confusion was something Shinomori Aoshi was not used to feeling, but ever since he had came back to the Aoiya, that was all he was feeling. 

* * *

"Aoshi?" 

"What is it Yuri?" Aoshi sighed as she wrapped her arms around him. 

"Okina-sama sent a letter to Tokyo. We may get to see Misao-san soon."_ __ _

_Misao?_ Yes, he needed to see Misao right now. But why? Why did he need to see her so bad? He loved Yuri. He was engaged to Yuri... but his the deepest part of his heart yearned to see Misao. Why? He had Yuri... could his heart be trying to tell him something? What was this urgent feeling to see her? Misao... his Misao-chan. The little girl who followed him everywhere. The young woman who had become his friend in a way. The young ninja whose heart he had broken so many times. The need to see her was becoming so great... why? 

* * *

**Author's Notes: Gomen nasai for rushing this fic through the months, but if I take my time, this fic might become more than fifty chapters don't want that to happen. What did you think? Loved it? Hated it? Send comments and suggestions, ne?**


	11. Deep Within: Ch. 9

**Deep Within **  
By Jen

_People never tell you  
How really true you feel  
I would die for you gladly  
If I knew what loss for me  
So if all this talk sounds crazy  
And the words don't come out right  
Doesn't really matter  
If it gets me through this night  
_  
-_I Will Love Again_ Lara Fabian  


# Chapter 9- Signs of Healing: 'Her wounds are finally beginning to heal'  


"Mei?" Mei looked up from her luggage. "Hai, Misao?" 

"Where are you going?" Misao walked over to her and began to help Mei pack her bags. 

"…" Mei contemplated on telling Misao where she was going. 

"Mei?" 

"Kyoto." Mei looked at Misao closely, to see any signs of emotions. She saw a flash of pain before Misao's eyes became indifferent again. 

"Kyoto…?" 

"Hai. To get some things." 

"Nani? Why?" 

"I'm moving to Tokyo." 

"Nani?! Why?" 

"Misao…" 

"It's because of me, ne? Mei, I don't want you to leave Kyoto just because of me. You have a life there. Don't leave because of me." 

"Daijobou, Misao. Daijobou. I'm moving here because I want to. Plus, Megumi-sensei would become a good mentor in my medical studies." 

"Mei…" 

"I've made up my mind Misao-chan. You know just as well as I do that you and me are two most stubborn people on earth." 

Misao's lips twitched slightly, but she kept her stoic expression. Mei inwardly sighed. She was going to have to talk to Aoshi. 

* * *

"Good. Now try it again this time relax your posture a little… yes like that. Try it again. Yes! That's good. Do that ten more times." 

Mei watched as Misao taught Yu a new kick. Three months passed by and Misao still had not changed. Still her emotionless self, but Mei could see Yu's admiration of his mentor. 

"Mei?" 

"Misao. I just wanted to say goodbye before I leave. I'll be back in two weeks." 

"Alright. Sayonara Mei." 

Yu who had finished his exercises came over to Mei to wish her farewell. "Sayonara Mei-sensei." 

Mei smiled at the boy. "Goodbye Yu-kun." 

She hugged Misao and wished the others goodbye before she left with Sa to travel to Kyoto. 

* * *

"Misao-senpai?" Misao looked up at Yu's hesitant voice. "Yu-kun?" 

"…ano… can you help me with that combo you showed me yesterday? I'm having trouble with it…" 

"Hai, show me." Misao put down her journal and watched Yu perform the combo. She stopped him after a while. 

"Instead of using the same hand right here, try to punch with the other one until you get used to this. When you've got that down, I'll help you learn this way. Try again and relax." 

"Hai." 

Yu launched himself into the moves, allowing himself to relax and the movements came easier. "Arigatou Misao-senpai." 

"Your welcome. Has Sano been teaching you anything new?" 

"Hai. He showed me something today." 

"Show me." 

Yu began to move again as he went through the technique Sano had showed him not too long ago. Misao watched him and he awaited her critique. 

"You are doing wonderfully, Yu-kun. You are lucky to have Sano as a teacher." 

"Iie. I'm lucky to have you as a teacher to Misao-senpai." 

Misao was surprised and touched at the boy's outburst. "Yu-kun…arigatou." 

Misao hugged the young boy before she left to help Kaoru prepare dinner. Mei was supposed to come back tonight, and they were going to have a nice big dinner. 

* * *

"Minna! I'm home!" Mei's voice rang throughout the yard. "Mei!" 

"Misao!" The two met in a huge embrace. 

Kaoru came out of the dojo smiling. "Mei-chan! How was your trip?" 

Mei's smile disappeared and reappeared. "It was great in some ways and fine in others." 

"Nani?" Misao was confused. "What are you talking about Mei?" 

"Nothing. Let's get inside, ne?" 

"Where's Sa-san? Did he have to go?" 

"Hai, but says he'll come by for a visit tomorrow." 

"That would be nice." 

* * *

"Mei?" Kaoru closed the door to Mei's room after she entered. 

"Kaoru-san?" Mei looked up surprised. 

"Daijobou? When you came back, you didn't look well." 

"I'm fine… just a little tired." 

"Did you talk to him?" 

"Hai, demo… he still hasn't changed. He still can't see how much he really loves her." 

"Mei… we're not sure if he really loves her though…" 

"Of course he does! You should have seen him after Misao had tried to kill herself. And when she disappeared…he has to love her… he has too…" 

"…" Kaoru tried her best to comfort Mei. This was beginning to be too hard on all of them. "We can't change him. The only thing we can do is help Misao-chan forget and move on." 

"We've tried already Kaoru. We tried everything." 

"Then maybe we should let Misao do this herself. Help her when she asks us to…

Their voices faded as they lost themselves in their own thoughts. 

Outside Misao stood close by listening to their conversation until their voices faded away. Instead of going back to her room, Misao walked into the garden to sit on the bench. She made a silent vow to herself and her friends. _I'm going to move on. I won't worry them anymore. _

* * *

"Misao-neesan!" Asuko ran towards Misao's back. Misao turned just in time to catch the laughing toddler. A smile appearing on her lips, her gaze soft and tender. No longer was the iciness within her. It had disappeared and was replaced by the warmth that she had lost. 

"Hai, Su-chan?" 

"Let's go play a game. Onegai? Onegai?" Misao looked at Asuko's wide hopeful eyes and sighed. 

"Gomen. I can't play right this moment, but if you wait until I finish sweeping the dojo, I'll play any game you want." Asuko smiled wider. "HAI!" Misao put Asuko down and continued to sweep. Asuko watched Misao sweep. Misao-neesan was important to her. Asuko loved her almost as much as her okaasan. Asuko thought Misao to be really generous and beautiful. It had been six months since her Misao-neesan had come to live with them. Asuko had grown fond of her, following her around. 

Misao smiled. It had been three months and she was beginning a new and better life. One that required no violence and no heartache. Mei had stayed with her at the dojo. The two of them help take care of the dojo and Asuko. Yu had begun to master the arts of kenpou under her careful instructions. _I've settled in. This is what it's like to lead a normal life. So peaceful. My heart isn't aching anymore. I can just bury those feelings and forget them. _

"This is the beginning." 

"Nee-san?" Asuko was waiting impatiently for Misao. 

"Ah! Gomen. Gomen! I'm almost done little Su-chan." 

"There. All done. Time to play Su-chan!" 

"Hai!" Misao held the small girl in her arms in a quick embrace before she put Asuko down. She laughed as Asuko tugged on her arm leading them to a playing spot. 

Kaoru looked up when she heard Misao's laughter. She smiled happily. 

"She's healing." Kaoru smiled at Mei. 

"Hai. She is. I'm so glad. It does not suit her to be so cold and unfeeling." Mei and Kaoru watched as Misao ran after Asuko trying to catch the laughing toddler. 

Misao stopped chasing Asuko for a moment and whistled. Shin swooped down and landed on her shoulder. "Ne, Su-chan? Come here." 

Asuko ran to Misao and clapped excitedly when she saw Shin. "Su-chan, this is Shin." 

"CAN I pet him?" 

"Hai." Misao placed Shin on Asuko's shoulder. She laughed and petted Shin. Misao watched her fondly. She let out a wistful sigh. She felt the familiar longing in her heart. She was eighteen, close to nineteen. She should have been married by now, and raising a family of her own. But she needed to be in love. She refused to go into a loveless marriage. _But I only love…stop it. She scolded herself._ Time will help me forget. _ She smiled and her eyes took on a mischievous glint. "Su-chan, weren't we in the middle of something?" _

Asuko nodded and laughed. She ran off leaving Misao to chase her. 

Misao was amused by Asuko's antics. _She reminds me of me. She mused. Voices echoed in her mind. _

'_Eiji-niichan! You can't catch me!' __ _

_'Aa. But I can… got ya!'  _

_'Oniichan! Stop tickling me!'  _

_'But I like to see my little Mi-chan smile.'  _

_'Don't worry. I'll always smile for Eiji-niichan. Always and forever.'  _

Misao smiled at the memory and caught Asuko up in her arms. Asuko tried to wiggle free, but Misao's grip was strong. Misao placed Asuko on the ground and began to tickle her. _I'll always smile for Eiji-niichan. Always and forever. Asuko shrieked with laughter and tried to tickle her oneesan back. So they sat there tickling each other and laughing. Kaoru watched them fondly. __Thank goodness. She's back. _

* * *

**Author's Notes**: Boring boring. These chapters are very boring. Well let's call it the calm before the storm type thing… Remember to do the usual thing. ^_~


	12. Deep Within: Ch. 10

**Deep Within **  
By Jen 

_ But now I'm…  
Stronger than yesterday  
Now it's nothing but my way  
My lonliness ain't killing me no more  
I'm stronger  
That I ever thought that I could be, baby  
I used to go with the flow  
Didn't really care 'bout me  
You might think that I can't take it, but you're wrong  
'Cause now I'm…  
Stronger than yesterday_

-_Stronger_ Britney Spears 

# Chapter 10- Strength and Weaknesses: 'Love was my weakness…he was my weakness'

"Oi! WEASEL!"Several kunais just barely missed Sano's head. 

"Don't call me weasel!"Misao was stalking towards Sano dangerously. Mei came out when she heard Misao's outburst and ran between the two. 

"Maa. Maa. Calm down Misao." Misao let out a sigh, and calmed down but not before she kecho kicked him. "I'm not a weasel, rooster-head." 

"Che. Are you really a girl?" Sano rubbed his sore head. Misao fumed. "SANO!" 

"I'm kidding! Just kidding!" 

"What did you want?" 

"You got a letter." Sano held Misao a note. 

"Ehh? A letter?" Before Misao could open it, everyone was already crowding around her. 

"Who's it from Misao-dono?" Kenshin asked when he saw Misao's face. 

"From Kyoto."She muttered. She opened the letter and read through it. She frowned and closed the letter, and walked off without another word, the letter slipping from her hand. 

"Misao?" Mei watched Misao's retreating back and frowned. She picked up the fallen letter and read aloud the contents. 

_  
Ciao. My Angel Misao. _

_It has been a long time since we heard from you. I hope that you are faring well. How is your new life? I wanted you to know that everyone misses you and wishes to see you again. With your permission, we would like to come to Tokyo to celebrate your birthday with you. _

_ Adios ,  
Your beloved Jiya _

_P.S. How is Mei? _

__

Mei frowned and looked back to wear Misao had retreated. "They shouldn't have done that. They really shouldn't have." 

"I wonder what Misao-dono will do?" Kenshin asked quietly. 

"What else can she do? If they visit, it will open up old wounds and I am sure Misao can't take that." Kaoru and Mei exchanged worried looks. 

"She will not allow them to come, and Okina-sama and the others would be hurt. But if they come…could she handle it?" 

* * *

Misao sat at her dresser staring into the mirror. She saw her reflection. It reminded her of the time before she had started her new life. She was sure that she could face Jiya and the others again, but what of Aoshi? Was she really ready to open up old wounds? Even after eleven months, she could not forget._ How pathetic am I?_ She thought, laughing hollowly. _Why can't I just forget him? He rejected me. End of story. Why can't I move on?_ Misao sighed and looked away from the mirror. _Even if I hadn't moved on, I will pretend. _Let them come. _I'll just pretend._ Misao got out a piece of paper and ink and began to write a later to Kyoto._ _

_Minna-san, _

_I am faring well. My new life suits me well. If you would like, a short visit is fine with me. We will expect you in five days. _

_ Ja ne,   
Misao_

Short, sweet, and to the point. Perfect. Misao whistled and Shin came flying into her window. She attached the note to the hawk and sent it on its way. I_ am fine. I can handle this._ Misao decided to go work out to take her thoughts off of everything. 

* * *

Aoshi was meditating when Shin swooped down with a reply from Misao. Aoshi took the letter and read Misao's delicate handwriting. He stood to bring the message back to the Aoiya, knowing fully that everyone will be pleased. _And you? A voice asked him. Are you happy that you get to see Misao again?_ Aoshi paused in mid-stride. Yes he would be happy to see Misao again. In her absence, his heart yearned for her presence. Her laughter, her smile, and her cheerful chatter. He wondered about this. He cared for Misao. Yes, that was true. But he wasn't sure how much he cared for her. True, he did love Yuri, but he found that there was something missing in his heart. 

A simple yearning, yet it persisted him. The yearning was not new. It had been with him ever since Misao had confessed her love to him. He could not understand the emptiness he felt when Misao had left them. Nor, the feeling of dread when he had saved Misao from her own death. After her disappearance, images of her plagued his mind. He thought of no one but her. He had still yet to come to a conclusion. His mind went back to Yuri. No plans have been made for the wedding, even though Yuri kept asking him to help her. He would always refuse, trying to postpone it as much as he could. But why? He wanted to marry her…right? He loved her and wanted to live life with her. But something was wrong. It all felt wrong. Something in his heart was telling Aoshi that he was not supposed to marry Yuri, no he was supposed to marry…. 

"Aoshi!" He looked up to see Yuri running towards him. 

"Nande?" 

Yuri flashed him a strange look before continuing. "Has anything come from Tokyo yet?" 

"Aa." He gave her the message and she read it. She smiled and ran excitedly back to the Aoiya to let the others know of the good news. 

Aoshi watched her. He was missing something, but what? 

* * *

Misao gazed at the full moon outside her window as she brushed her hair. It had grown in the past eleven months. Not to its original length, but instead it hung below her chest. She was considering about what she would do when Okina and the rest arrived. She was wondering how she should act. What she could say to them? What was there to say? They had not spoken since her attempted suicide. How would she face them now? 

"Misao?" Mei and Kaoru had been standing behind her for a few minutes, but she hadn't even noticed them. 

"Hai?" 

"Are you going to be alright? Are you sure you can handle seeing them again?" 

"Of course I am… it's been months. I'm sure they've forgotten about it by now." 

"Misao-chan… Misao-chan…honestly…" 

"Iie. I'm not fine with it, demo… I still care for them… I can't refuse them this. I just couldn't." 

"What about Aoshi-san? Won't seeing him and Yuri-san together… can you handle that?" 

Misao was silent for a few moments. "I'll be fine. I'm sure of it. As for seeing them together… I've realized that love was my weakness…he was my weakness." 

"Misao…?" 

"Daijobou. Honto. I'll be fine."_ _

_I'll be fine…_ She repeated to herself over and over. _Yes, I'll be fine._

* * *

"Misao-senpai?" Yu called his mentor again for the tenth time. She was staring off into the distance again, reminding him of the days when she had been recovering from her illness. Since that day two days ago when the message came from Kyoto, she had been walking around in a daze. "Misao-senpai?" 

He waved his hands in front of her face. His blue eyes narrowed slightly…when she said nothing. "Misao-senpai?" 

She blinked as if noticing him for the first time. "Yu-kun?" 

"Daijobou ka?" He asked concerned. 

"Daijobou. I'm just thinking." 

"Are you sure?" His concern for his mentor was evident as he sat down next to her. Misao smiled at her student. She knew his affections for her were great and hers for him were also there. She knew that he saw her as the older sister he had lost just two years ago. He watched over her while she watched over him. Overtime, he had begun to tell her about his life. His older sister and he were orphans when his parents were killed in the war. Two years ago, his older sister had caught a deadly disease and died soon after. He lived on the streets until she had found him eleven months ago. Since then he had been living with them. He cared for both his mentors, taking on their attitudes. He had her patience and Sano's cockiness. Even his looks resembled a cross between the two, with his emotionless blue eyes in battle and Sano's spiky hair. His agility was his best ally in fighting, almost faster than she. 

"Senpai?" 

"I'm sure Yu-kun." 

"Misao-neesan!!!!!!!" Misao found herself the victim of a glomp as she looked up. "Su-chan? Konnichiwa." 

"Neesan will you make Su-chan something to eat?" 

"Ehh? Where's your okaasan?" 

"'kaasan is teaching her st..ude..nts…" Asuko smiled in triumph as she got out the new word she learned. 

"Ok. Neesan will make you something to eat." 

Misao got up, Yu following her movement. "Ne, Yu-kun want to join us?" 

"Hai." 

Misao, Asuko, and Yu walked back to the dojo. "Neesan?" 

"Hai?" 

"kaasan says we're going to have visitors from …Kyoto..?" 

"…hai." 

"Do you know them?" 

"Hai." 

"Are they nice?" 

"..hai.. very nice. I used to live with them." 

"Before you came here?" 

"Before I came here." Misao agreed as she placed Asuko down next to Yu and started to prepare a snack and some tea for herself. The scent of green tea entered her nostrils and she felt the familiar sense of pain, remembering how she used to make it for Aoshi. "Aoshi…" 

Yu heard her quiet murmur. "Who's Aoshi?" 

Misao's head snapped up. "Nani?" 

"Who's Aoshi? You just said his name." Yu noticed the way she stiffened. 

"He was someone I used to know. One of our visitors in two days." 

"Oh." 

Misao silently helped Asuko eat and sipped her own tea. "He was also my old mentor. He taught me everything I know about kenpou. He's also one of the best warriors I know…"_ He was my first love…my only love…_ Misao held back the flood of emotions. 

"He taught you kenpou?" 

"Hai. When I was really young. I used to bother him until he would teach me something new. I remember this one time when I was learning this one kick…" 

Misao lost herself in the memory, feeling a sort of happiness from it. 

* * *

"Aoshi-sama! Did you see it? Did you? I did it right, ne? Ne?" Misao asked Aoshi who had been helping her with Hannya. 

"Can you do it a little slower so I can see?" 

"Honto?" 

"Hai. He may even show you how to use kodachis. Twin blades of the Oniwabanshuu." 

"Honto ni?" 

* * *

"It took me a week to learn that move, but Aoshi-sama was very patient with me…" Misao laughed lightly. Yu enjoyed the sound, having not heard it in the past days. "When you meet him Yu-kun… you'll grow fond of him, I'm sure. He is kind hearted, even if he doesn't show any emotions. Despite all his faults and all the years, I still admire him and think that he's one of the greatest man I know." 

"Honto?" 

"Hai. He may even show you how to use kodachis. Twin blades of the Oniwabanshuu." 

"Honto ni?" 

"Hai." 

"You must really love him to speak so highly of him, Misao-senpai." 

His words struck a chord in her and her hand stopped midair, a little ways from Asuko's mouth. _You must really love him… _Could it be? Could it really be? After all this time, could she still love him? "Neesan?" 

Misao smiled at Asuko and helped her finish her snack, her mind far away. 

Mei stood witness to the whole scene. She had seen the way Misao had stiffened at the mention of love for Aoshi. _She still loves him… after everything… she still loves him._

* * *

**Author's notes**: Errr….nothing to say but send comments, ne? Oh and the next part is rated R.., for reasons I will not say because it would spoil it.

**Preview of next chapter (sorta...)**

"Misao-senpai? Daijoubu ka?" Misao looked at Yu who had tensed when he felt her tension. 

"Ehh? Daijobou, Yu-kun." Misao smiled, but inside she could feel a sense of foreboding. 


	13. Deep Within: Ch. 11

This chapter contains inappropriate scenes and is rated R. Please do not read if you are offended by violence. 

* * *

* * *

**Deep Within **  
By Jen

_I'm all out of faith  
this is how i feel  
I'm cold and i am shamed  
lying naked on the floor  
illusion never changed  
into something real  
I'm wide awake  
and i can see  
the perfect sky is torn  
you're a little late  
I'm already torn_

_-Torn _Natalie Imbruglia 

Chapter 11- Bereavement: 'This is the Price of revenge.' 

"Misao-chan! Time to wake up! Misao-chan?!" Kaoru and Megumi's voices drifted into her sleep as Misao begin to stir from her deep slumber. She opened her eyes to find Megumi, Kaoru, and Mei looking down at her. She sighed before she began to complain. "Nani?! I'm trying to sleep here." 

"Too bad. It's time to wake up." Mei opened the window to her room to let the sunlight stream through. 

Grumbling Misao obliged. Kaoru led Misao to the bathhouse. "Misao-chan, today's your birthday, remember? You have to be all nice and clean." 

"Nani?! Why?!" 

"Because Aoshi-san and the others are coming." 

Misao became quiet, suddenly remembering her turmoil from the night before. It had kept her up most of the night. Misao was left alone with her thoughts as she bathed. _Am I really ready to face them? It's been so long since I've seen them. We haven't seen each other since my attempted suicide. No use opening up old wounds. Even if it still hurts. Misao's eyes wandered to her wrist. She could still see the faint traces of scars and she looked away. "Come on Misao. Get a grip. Today's your birthday. You should be celebrating not brooding over bakas." _

Leaving the bathing area, Misao returned to her room to find a beautiful kimono resting on her dresser. She found a note lying on top of it. 

_Misao-chan,  _

_Today is special day for you and you should have something special to wear. The three of us made this kimono for you. We hope you like it. Happy Birthday Misao. _

_Love,   
__Kaoru, Mei, and Megumi  _

Misao smiled, a warm feeling crept over her heart ridding it of the dark ones from before. She smiled as she put on the beautiful kimono. It was a ruby colored kimono with golden leaves imprinted in the satin material. The hems were a beautiful pattern of golden roses. The obi was even darker cherry-colored. Misao sat down to brush her black hair back thinking of how to style her hair. Misao's face lit up when she remembered her mother's hair combs. Finding the one she wanted Misao pulled her hair to the top of her head into a simple bun and secured it with the golden comb. Misao looked at herself in the mirror, suddenly feeling somewhat special… pretty even. 

She walked to the dining area, noting that her kimono was fashioned to allow her to run freely if needed to. Misao smiled. She entered the dining area where everyone was seated for breakfast. Everyone stopped what he or she was doing to stare at her. Misao could feel the blush on her face as she saw their reactions. 

The others blinked in surprised at the beauty in the doorway. Misao, clad in the ruby kimono looked radiant. Her hair was no longer pulled back, just merely in a bun with loose curls framing her face. 

"Misao-chan! You look wonderful!" Megumi helped Misao sit down. 

"Arigatou minna. I love it." 

"Your welcome Misao-chan. You deserve it." 

Misao did not argue with Kaoru. She felt unworthy of such a present, but seeing that they wanted her to have it, she just smiled. After breakfast, Misao watched as Yu executed some combos, instructing him on his form. She watched as Sano taught Yu some more moves. It was good for him to learn more than one fighting technique. 

"Sanosuke!" 

"Nande jou-chan?" 

"We're out of sake for tonight's party. I need you to get some for us and some other things too." 

"Ehh? I have to help Mei-chan though." 

"I'll go, Kaoru-san." Misao interrupted their conversation. 

"Demo… the Oniwabanshuu are arriving soon." 

"Daijoubu. It won't take long. I'm sure that I will be back in time for the party. You just need some things, ne? Nothing much?" 

"Hai…demo…" 

"It'll be fine." 

"Misao-neesan! Misao-neesan! Can Su-chan come with Misao-neesan?!" Asuko raced outside into Misao's awaiting arms. "Hai, if you get permission from you okaasan first." 

Asuko tuned to Kaoru her eyes pleading. "Can I 'kaasan? Can I?" 

Kaoru laughed. "Hai, but you have to be a good girl and listen to Misao-neesan, ne?" 

"HAI!!" Asuko begin to bounce in Misao's arm.Misao began to leave, but turned back, "Ne, Yu-kun? Do you want to come with me?" 

Yu nodded. "Hai." 

Sano and Kaoru watched as the three of them walked down the road into town. 

* * *

Misao held Asuko's hand with one hand and the other held the sake. Yu held the rest of the items in his arms and walked beside to the two. As they walked along, Misao heard comments about such a lovely mother she was. They probably thought that Asuko was hers. Sensing the familiar longing, a need to be fulfilled in her heart, Misao suppressed it beneath all the other painful memories, which she soon forgot was there. Misao led them into the road that would bring them back to the dojo, the road that led into the forest. 

* * *

"Okashira! Okashira!" 

"Nande, Gen?" 

"Our target is in the forest. She's walking back to the dojo." 

"Is anyone with her?" 

"Only that street rat and Battosai's daughter." 

"Perfect. Get the men ready, and trail her. Do not let her out of the forest. I will be there in a moment. I have a few preparations." 

"Hai, Okashira." 

_Just wait. I will have my revenge. You will pay for your family's sins. Silver eyes gleamed dangerously as he followed his men on his own horse. ** **_

* * *

_We're being followed. Misao could feel it within every bone of her body. They were being followed, but by whom? She glanced cautiously around as she held Asuko closer.  _

"Misao-senpai? Daijoubu ka?" Misao looked at Yu who had tensed when he felt her tension. 

"Ehh? Daijobou, Yu-kun." Misao smiled, but inside she could feel a sense of foreboding. 

"Are you sure? Is something wrong?" 

"Iie, noth-" Misao cut her sentence short as she saw several arrows flying towards them. Misao dropped her packages and grabbed Yu, before she dodged the arrows. Several more came at them and again Misao dodged. She placed Asuko down behind her and threw her kunai in the direction their attackers were coming from. Each kunai missed their target as the figures in the trees dodged them. Misao took a hold of Asuko and Yu's hand and began to run blindly through the forest. She ran deeper and deeper finally entering a small clearing with four stone monuments in the middle. Coming closer, she felt four familiar spirits. She gasped letting go of Yu's hand as her own flew to her mouth. _This is… these are…. Hannya-kun and the other's…this is where they're buried… _

The thoughts saddened and comforted her. She couldn't think of any other place that she would feel safer. She grabbed Yu's hand again and they hid behind the stones. She heard the silent footsteps as they neared their hidden spot. 

"Makimachi. I know you're there." The leaders voice came out to fill her ears. "I suggest you surrender without any trouble." She peered out to see a man with mahogany hair and silver eyes staring straight at her hiding place. Behind him, hidden in the trees were at least twenty highly trained and agile ninjas. 

"I'll give you to the count of twenty…. 1…2…3…" 

Misao knew that she would not be able to stand a chance against all of them, especially since she had a limited number of kunai, for she wasn't able to fit many between the folds of her kimono. She glanced sharply at Yu and Asuko before making her decision. Misao placed Asuko in Yu's arms, earning a questioning look from the young teen. Misao took off her shawl and quickly wrapped it around the two of them. She saw Shin flying high in the sky and was relieved. She knew what she would have to do. In a hushed voice she instructed Yu. 

"Yu-kun, I want you to take Su-chan and run far away from here. Do not turn back no matter what. Follow Shin to find the way out. Do you understand? Don't stop running until you're back at the dojo." 

"Senpai? What about you?" 

"I'm going to try to hold them off for as long as I can. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Just get yourself and Asuko out of here." 

"Demo.. I want to help Senpai. Let me stay. I can help you fight." 

"With what? You are not ready for a real battle. Just go back to the dojo. Don't look back. Promise me that you will get Asuko to safety. Promise." 

"Hai. Senpai, I promise." 

"Good. Goodbye Su-chan. Yu-kun is going to take you back to otousan and okaasan." 

"I want to stay with Misao-neesan. Let me stay!" 

"Shh… be a good little girl and follow Yu-kun. If you promise, I will tell you a story later, ne?" 

"Demo…" 

"Promise me." 

"Hai." 

"Good. When I tell you to… run." 

Misao suddenly flipped into the air onto the top branch of one of the trees, arching her hand to send a dozen kunai flying at the ninjas. One of the ninjas caught her and pushed her out of the tree. Misao landed hard on the ground coughing up blood. 

Yu watched and tried to go help, but the look in Misao's eyes told him to run even before she even shouted the order. 

"NOW! YU GET OUT OF HERE!!" 

Yu ran with Asuko in his arms, running faster than he had ever run. He could hear Misao's screams of agony ringing in his ears as he ran away, but he promised not to look back. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to.

* * *

Misao threw kunai at the ninjas who tried to follow the children. They hit their targets, causing the ninjas to call out in pain. She watched their retreating back, a memory resurfacing. 

'Iie! Otousan! Let me go back Eiji-niichan! We have to help him! Onegai…one..gai." 

Misao arched her hand again, this time using her poisoned tip kunai. They hit a few more, making them drop dead as the poison flowed into their bt>

Misao's eyes widened as she kicked harder trying desperately to break her bindings. The leader laughed and took out a knife. He ripped her kimono down the center leaving a trail of blood where the knife had cut. He ripped the rest of her kimono as he gazed down at her hungrily."Such a beauty… heir attacks. There was about ten of them left, and she ran out of kunai. Kuso…what do I do now? Suddenly she felt the ground shaking and she jumped away from the graves just as they burst into pieces. She saw the destruction of her friends' graves and angrily shouted. "Bastards!" 

She launched herself into the strongest combo she knew and attacked the leader. Before she could hit him, he was behind her, holding her hands together behind her back. "Such spirit. Too bad you're going to die." 

Misao struggled to get herself free from his hold, elbowing him in the face. He dropped her to the ground as he yelled out angrily. She tried to run away again, but one of the men grabbed her. The okashira recovered and walked towards her purposefully, and evil sneer on his face. "You'll pay for that one Makimachi." 

The venom in his voice caused her to shiver slightly. He grabbed her struggling form and hit her hard with the hilt of his katana. A bruise began to form on her face as he pulled her close for a rough kiss. Her eyes widened as she tried to push him away, but he was just too strong. He moved away leaving her in breathless anger. "You BASTARD!!" Her hand lashed out to slap him. He caught her arms and threw her against the debris of rocks. Her head hit the stones and she could taste the blood. He slapped her before he motioned one of his men to tie her down. 

"What are you going to do with her okashira?" 

"Kill her of course, but not before I have a little fun with her." 

Misao's eyes widened as she kicked harder trying desperately to break her bindings. The leader laughed and took out a knife. He ripped her kimono down the center leaving a trail of blood where the knife had cut. He ripped the rest of her kimono as he gazed down at her hungrily."Such a beauty… pity you'll die after this." 

He kissed her brutally again, enjoying her agony. She cried out in the kiss biting his bottom lip. He drew back and tasted his own blood. "Bitch!" Striking her face again, he forced himself on top of her body. His hands coursed her body roughly, bruising her. Misao cried out in pain and in helplessness. 

"Somebody help me! Onegai!! STOP!! Onegai!!" 

Her cries did nothing but encourage him. "This is the price of revenge." 

"ONEGAI!!! STOP!!! AOSHI-SAMA HELP!!! ONEGAI!!" 

She felt a needle dig into her arm and she looked to her right startled opening her eyes for one quick moment. One of his men had stuck a needle into her, probably some sort of poison. She could feel the darkness overcoming her senses as her body writhed in pain. She cried out in anguish as he roughly entered her. She could feel him thrusting into her over and painfully over again as her muddled mind began to slip into the welcoming darkness, her cries were thrown into the background.

* * *

"Okashira, what do we do with her?" Gen pointed to Misao's prone body. She was bleeding all over and her blood stained the graves she lay upon. She was bleeding mostly from between her legs. The kimono was barely covering her body. 

The okashira looked at him for a moment before answering. "Throw her body into the stream." 

Gen nodded and picked up her body as he headed for the stream, a trail of blood flowing through the air behind them, landing gently on the ground leaving a trail of crimson. He reached the stream and glanced down at the body in his arms, her blood already stained his hands. Without another thought he threw Misao's body into the cold, pure waters of the stream. Almost immediately her blood blemished the untainted water. 

* * *

**Author's notes**: Gomen nasai! Gomen nasai!! I know I'm torturing her, but this was planned since the beginning. Gomen nasai again. Eh heh... you might be mad at me now because I'm going to leave you hanging for now and work on all my other neglected fics. ^_^;; Send comments, ne?    


**Preview of next chapter (yes, there's more): **

"We were on our way back when these ninjas jumped out from nowhere and attacked us. There were at least twenty of them. Misao-senpai made me take Asuko and run. She wouldn't let me say… she wouldn't let me say. Onegai… Kenshin… Sano please you have to save Senpai! She's in a lot of danger. She didn't bring many kunai with her, only a little. Onegai they're going to kill her!" Yu's frantic voice made them react quickly. 

"Where?" Yu stared intently at the stranger wearing the trenchcoat. "Where?" His icy tone repeated. 

"Where is she Yu?" Sano's voice cut in. 

"In that forest, over there. Hayaku you have to help her!"


	14. Deep Within: Ch. 12a

**Deep Within  **  
By Jen

_Only love could make me turn around  
and make these tears come tumbling down  
Only love  
Only love could make you stay with me  
I doubt myself but you believe  
Only love  
I wish that I could be that strong  
To see me as I am,  
and love me right or wrong  
I guess I'm still afraid  
to only say goodbye  
So I keep it all inside  
Only love...  
-Only Love_ Selena

Chapter 12a- Tragedy's Whispers I:_ Let your heart guide you._

Yu dashed blindly through the forest clutching a frightened Asuko in his arms. His eyes strayed towards the sky where Shin was flying swiftly to the dojo. His own mind had became blank, and he could still hear his senpai's tortured screams echoing in his mind. Every part of him was begging him to return and help his senpai, but every time he thought of going back, Misao's voice entered his mind.

_Promise me that you will get Asuko to safety. Promise._

_I promised her, and I will get Su-chan back to Kenshin. Then I'll come back to help you senpai.  _Even more determined than ever, Yu ran with speed he had not known that he possessed. He finally made it out of the forest and ran past the stands and shops to the trail that led to the dojo. 

* * *

Kaoru glanced anxiously again, searching in the distance, trying to find Misao, Yu, and her daughter. It was close to nighttime already and they had left early after breakfast. _She probably took the long trail through the forest, and went to the other markets. _Kaoru tried to soothe her own fears as another feeling of foreboding fell over her, but to no avail. She went back to her cooking, which she herself admitted did not look to edible. Usually Misao or Mei would help her with the cooking, but Misao had left to the market and Mei was helping Megumi treat patients at the clinic. Kaoru tried her best to salvage the food, but found that she couldn't and that she was to preoccupied with her thoughts.

"Koishii?" Kenshin glanced from the ruin food to his absent minded wife. "Daijobou?"

"How long does it usually take Misao-chan to get to the market and back?" Kaoru asked Kenshin.

"Usually three hours. Why?" 

"She's been gone too long." Kaoru muttered as she went back to the ruin food, and Kenshin finally understood her worries. "Daijobou Kaoru. I know you're worried about Misao-dono's safety, but she is perfectly capable of protecting herself when the time comes. She is strong, both physically and mentally. Perhaps she just decided to visit Ai-dono and Sa-kun on the way back. She's probably on her way back now." Kenshin's calm demeanor and soothing voice made Kaoru relax just a bit. "You're right."

Kenshin gave his wife one last reassuring smile before walking out to the porch where Yahiko was practicing. He stared at the darkening skies and decided that if Misao was not back by the time Aoshi and the others had arrived, then he would go after her. 

* * *

Aoshi walked behind Yuri and the rest of the Oniwabanshuu, unable to concentrate on his surroundings, as his thoughts were elsewhere. 

_Aoshi-sama!!! Onegai!! Help me!!_

Aoshi's eyes snapped open and surprise overtook him as he heard someone...not just someone, but Misao calling out his name, beseeching him for help. He looked up to see if the others had heard the scream too, but he saw that they showed no sign of having heard. Yuri who had slowed to walk next to him, felt him tense up and grabbed his arm, concern flooding her senses. "Anata?" 

Aoshi stared at Yuri's face blankly as the screams continued to reiterate in his head, and not until Yuri placed an affectionate hand on his cheek did he notice her presence. "Anata? Daijobou ka?" 

Aoshi stared into her eyes, and he saw another pair of eyes before his vision. Vivid sapphire eyes with sparkling tears forming in their immeasurable depths. "Misao..." 

It was just a whisper, but it came as a shrill cry in Yuri's world as her heart suddenly crumbled away. Yuri looked into Aoshi's pale blue-gray eyes and saw an emotion flicker in their otherwise emotionless light. "Aoshi..." For some unfathomable explanation it no longer deemed appropriate to call him 'anata'. Yuri removed her hand from his cheek, only to have him grab at it and hold it securely in his own larger hands. Yuri felt tears spring to her eyes for she knew it wasn't she who he was seeing. Not anymore. Yuri could feel it in her heart, but she didn't want to believe or acknowledge the nagging voice of sensibility. Understanding now in her eyes, Yuri murmured words to Aoshi as they walked hand in hand. "Daijobou, Aoshi. We'll see Misao-san soon." His grip tightened around her hands as he heard these words of assurance. Together with the rest of the Oniwa, they picked up pace when they reached the trail to the dojo, not noticing the sudden omen as the skies darkened into a deep, stormy blackish-blue color. 

* * *

"Ken-san! Kaoru! Misao-chan!" Kaoru and Kenshin looked up when they heard Megumi's voice ring through into the dojo. 

"Oi! Jou-chan! Weasel?! Where are you?" They heard Sano's voice and headed to where the two were standing with Mei. 

"Himura! Kaoru-san! Where's Misao?" Mei asked after they greeted each other. 

"You mean you didn't see her?" Kaoru asked distressfully. 

Mei's smile disappeared. "Iie, you mean Misao hasn't come back yet?" 

"Iie. It's been too long. I'm worried." 

"Daijobou Kaoru-san, I'm sure she's fine. Maybe she bumped in Aoshi-san and the others." Mei stated calmly. 

"Maybe you're right. I'm just overreacting, ne?" Kaoru smiled weakly and Kenshin led her inside along with Sano and Megumi. Mei lingered outside and watched as the skies darken, not able to shake the premonition that something had and was still happening to Misao. She always had this uncanny connection with her best friend, always knowing when the other was in trouble, and so she was fearful for Misao. But there was no need to tell Kenshin because she could tell he knew too. 

* * *

Aoshi became more and more agitated while they neared the dojo gates. The only thing he could think of was that he finally had a chance to see Misao. It had been almost a year since he had seen her face, and two years since he had basked in her radiance. What was he supposed to say to her? Had she really become a shadow of herself? A version of himself? Aoshi shook his head, clearing his mind, not wanting to say anything. 

He had thrown it all away though. He had thrown it away when he had refused to accept her affections, when he had fallen in love with Yuri...when he had asked Yuri to marry him. He had thrown away his closest and longest relationship with just a few unspoken words. Words were the deadliest things. They destroyed relationships, break down carefully built defenses, and cause pain. All just the result of a few words murmured. 

"Aoshi, we're here." Yuri disrupted his quiet contemplation with her chiming voice. Aoshi stood before the gates, his eyes cast upon the stone. He felt as if he was passing through the Gates of Judgment in heaven. He knew somehow that once he passed those gates, his future would be decided and written in the stars. He gathered his strength and prepared to learn of his future. Perhaps Yuri would have laughed at him if she had known what he was thinking. Having his destiny made because of passing through the dojo gates to meet Misao and the Kenshin-gumi? It was quite laughable really. Quite laughable. 

"Oi!! Himura-kun!! Kaoru-chan?! We're here!" Okina hollered at the top of his lungs. They heard some footsteps and scrambling before the entrance began to opened. And as Aoshi waited for what seemed to be an eternity, but was merely a few seconds, for the gates to open fully, he felt his heart began to race. _Misao… _

And smiling faces came into view and greeted them warmly. Introductions were made on Yuri's part. Aoshi noticed that when they met Yuri, Kaoru and Megumi's smiles seemed to falter. Aoshi stood back and received his greetings from the men quietly. 

"Welcome Aoshi-san." Aoshi stared at Kaoru, though her welcome was made warmly, Aoshi did not overlook the thin line of bitterness hidden carefully in her tongue. 

Okina looked around at all the faces, but noticed there were some missing. "Oi, Kaoru-chan where's my pretty Misao and your little girl?"  
  
Kaoru weakly grinned. "Daijobou, Misao took Asuko and Yu with her to the market. She should be here any moment now…" Kaoru then murmured to herself. "…any moment now." 

She perked up quickly. "Come inside, it's quite cold out here. Mei is waiting inside with some refreshments. You must be tired from your trip. We can talk and catch up inside." 

* * *

Aoshi slipped silently from the room as the others were deep in a conversation about the last years since they had last seen each other. He had suddenly felt suffocated and wanted some air. He walked under the dark skies, as night began to set in. Sitting beneath a nearby tree, Aoshi began his quiet meditations, feeling somewhat calmed. A light breeze blew through his hair and gently shook off of the leaves of the trees, and he heard a light voice call his name. 

"Aoshi?"He turned his head to see Yuri standing nearby with her hands clasped before her. 

"Nande Yuri?" Aoshi could feel a light sadness that emitted off of her when she looked at him. He opened his arms and she hesitated before walking into his embrace, but she found no comfort there. Not anymore. Not when his heart no longer belonged to her. 

"Aoshi, do you still love me?" She voiced her question meekly; afraid of the answer she would receive. Aoshi was at a lost for words. 

"Why do you ask such a question?" He answered her with a question of his own. 

"You still haven't answered me." Yuri said stubbornly and waited for him to answer, but found that he wouldn't until she talked. She pulled away from his embrace, even though all of her wanted her to stay forever and be comforted in his arms, but she could no longer find peace for her aching heart in Aoshi's arms. Instead she sat beside him looking in the opposite direction from him. "Aoshi, when you asked me to marry you…were you listening to your heart…or your mind?" 

Aoshi was confused about the question and was about to ask her, but she stopped him and continued. 

"I know that you shut away your emotions, locked them deep inside long ago. I also know that you don't act by your feelings or heart. You make decisions with your mind and ignore what your heart tells you to do…" 

As she spoke Aoshi started to remember his own past. The day he had seen his younger sister and parents slaughtered was the day he had given up on emotions and had encased his heart in ice. 

"But you shouldn't! You should listen to your heart, and let all the pain free. That's the only way you will ever heal, Aoshi… I need you right now, but I know that even if I have your mind….She has your heart and would always have your heart. You just can't understand it! How much you need her. You just don't understand how much she loves you and how much you love her. Perhaps you never will." 

"Yuri…" 

"Onegai, don't. You have to tell her. Before it's too late because you will have lost the chance for happiness. Tell her that you love her." 

"Who? Yuri what are you talking about?" 

Yuri shook her head ruefully, "You still can't see it, but I can." 

She then kissed him lightly on the lips, embracing him as if it were the last chance she had to do so. When they pulled away, Aoshi could see a somber light in her bright violet blue eyes and was startled. 

"Let your heart guide you Aoshi. Listen to it for it knows all your secrets that you keep within. I want you to know, that when you make your decision I will be there." Yuri and Aoshi looked up when they heard shouts coming from the gates and hurried over to the commotion.

* * *

Yu burst through the gates still holding Asuko close to his warmth. "Minna?! Sanosuke? Onegai! Hayaku!" 

Mei came out smiling, but her smile vanished when she saw blood staining their clothes and Misao nowhere in sight. 

"What happened?! Where's Misao?!" 

Asuko's reaction of hearing Misao's name made them all jump. Asuko's sobs became louder and her wails echoed through the courtyard. "Neesssaan!!!!!" 

Kaoru took her daughter into her arms, trying to ease her tears. "Daijobou, where's Misao-neesan, Asuko?" 

The adults tried to make out Asuko's wails to find out what had happened to Misao, but to no avail. Abruptly, Yu's fatigued voice cut through them all with his words. 

"Senpai…we were attacked on our way back. They were ninjas I could tell. There were at least twenty of them, if not more. They surrounded us, but Misao-senpai protected us. She made me run and take Asuko back. I didn't want to, but I couldn't say 'no' to her. I saw her get hurt before I left, but she was on her feet again, trying to protect us… demo she had very few kunai! Onegai! You have to help her! Onegai!"

"Where?" Yu looked to the man whose icy blue eyes sent chills down his back. Yu said nothing and the man repeated his question with a harder edge to his voice. "Where is Misao?" 

Sano intercepted and asked his student the location of Misao. "In the forest trail! Hayaku senpai! You have to help her!" 

Without another word, the man wearing the trench coat dashed out of the dojo with Sano and Kenshin following suit, but not before Kenshin ordered them to stay here while they go find and help Misao. 

The group watched as Kenshin and Sano run after Aoshi, hoping that they would make it and save Misao.

* * *

Aoshi ran faster than he had ever done in his life, his mind in turmoil as he reached out for Misao's ki. Finally he found it, but it was fading fast. Kenshin and Sano followed after him, knowing that Aoshi had a connection to Misao, which would lead them to her. Kenshin held Misao's ki also as they ran. Aoshi trusted Misao's ki to lead them and his mind slipped into the memories. 

_Aoshi, do you still love me?  _

He ran, oblivious to the light drizzle pattering around the trio, its quiet voice mingled with the winds of the forest singing a song of sorrowful foreboding. 

_Why do you ask such a question?  _

He ran as his emotions raged on wildly inside of him, burning to be set free. 

_Aoshi, when you asked me to marry you…were you listening to your heart…or your mind?  _

His heart of ice was slowly melting underneath the heat of emotions that blazed inside of his being. 

_But you shouldn't! You should listen to your heart, and let all the pain free. That's the only way you will ever heal, Aoshi…  _

And now he stood before a cross in the road, and all at once Misao's ki vanished. His heart jolted and Aoshi turned to Kenshin to see him staring at him wide-eyed. _He feels it too. _

"What do we do now?" Sano asked frantically. 

Aoshi's demeanor never changed despite the confusion that had suddenly erupted through him, confusion and fear. Looking back he realized that he had never feared about anything...anything but her. He was her protector, a promise he had made her grandfather and brother, his okashira and best friend. Yes he always feared for her. She was the one he had promised to always protect, but ever since he had came back to her, all he did was hurt her more and more each day, and all the time he was trying to protect her from himself, he was oblivious to the fact that she needed him most. Aoshi shook those thoughts away, not understanding them and not wanting to at the moment. Right now he needed to find her. He tried to reach for her ki, but could not find it. Again he tried and tried, but then stopped when he realized that it wouldn't help him much to waste time. He was in despair, how were they supposed to find Misao now? 

_Let your heart guide you Aoshi. Listen to it for it knows all your secrets that you keep within. _

"Aoshi, do you know where Misao might be?" They had been standing there for at least five minutes and Kenshin was becoming restless. 

_Let your heart guide you Aoshi. _

Deep within he knew. He knew where he would find Misao. His heart whispered it over and over and this time he would listen to his heart because he knew…she would be there. Aoshi broke out into a dead run, leaving Sano and Kenshin to exchange looks and trail after him. Yes, she would be there, and he prayed to the gods above that she was safe. 

_Listen to it for it knows all your secrets that you keep within.

* * *

_**Author's notes:** hmmm…I like this revised version better. Less rushed, I would think. Well on to Ch. 12b. Also there won't be anymore previews unless everyone wants it like that. Send comments and criticism. Ja minna =)


	15. Deep Within: Ch. 12b

**Deep Within**  
By Jen

_I sit here, veiled with a mask  
I, the one who shed these burning tears  
In the shadows hides...  
  
all my pain, sorrow, and fears  
So I sit here weeping,   
But my tears fall silently...  
  
and no one would know but me  
One day my world will crumble,  
and I will have nothing left to live for and  
  
I will still sit in the shadows...  
with these tears that will never disappear...  
  
_ - _Masking the Tears _ Jen

Chapter 12b: Tragedy's Whispers II: _Aishiteru Aoshi...always_

"Aoshi, do you know where Misao might be?" They had been standing there for at least five minutes and Kenshin was becoming restless. 

_Let your heart guide you Aoshi.  _

Deep within he knew. He knew where he would find Misao. His heart whispered it over and over and this time he would listen to his heart because he knew…she would be there. Aoshi broke out into a dead run, leaving Sano and Kenshin to exchange looks and trail after him. Yes, she would be there, and he prayed to the gods above that she was safe. 

_Listen to it for it knows all your secrets that you keep within your heart.

* * *

_As they neared the location where Aoshi knew Misao to be, the stench of blood suddenly drifted into their nostrils and when they came into the small clearing the sight that met them made them stop dead. 

Five dead bodies were littered everywhere and blood stained everything, and amidst all the destruction lay a pile of broken stones, that Aoshi knew to be the graves of his comrades. He stood motionless, staring and staring, but not believing. Kenshin and Sano could only gape at the bloody scene. Kenshin's eyes rested on the pile of rocks and dawning came over him as he finally understood. This was where Aoshi had buried them. A gleam of light caught his eye and Aoshi looked down to see a small little blade laying in the pool of blood near the graves. Walking slowly over to the ruined tombstones, he knelt and his hand trembled when he fingered the small blade he knew to be her weapon. Picking it up and turning around at Kenshin's enquiring look, he showed them the Misao's kunai that was stained with what Aoshi knew was her very own blood. 

Aoshi?" Kenshin neared him. 

"Misao's blood." Such coldness in his voice! Even.... even when she was gone. He still couldn't bring himself to free his emotions for her.

"Nani?!" Sano's eyes examined the pile of rocks; blood stained all of the stones. The crimson liquid looked fresh. Sano shook his head in disbelief and continued to look for evidence that Misao had been there, but the bloody aroma of his surroundings made him feel nauseas. Kenshin begin to help Sano, and soon the two discovered two things. One was a piece of cherry colored satin, which Kenshin recognized to be from Misao's obi and the other object Sano had found lying deep in the pool of blood. He took the small book into his hands and read its title. _Journal of Makimachi Misao. _

Remember...

Aoshi's eyes followed the blood that lead to a trail away from the scene and soon he and the other two men were following it to the stream that was nearby.

_Why...why didn't you let me die?_

They stopped when they reached the waters only to see the dark crimson blood that blemished the once pure waters of the streams. 

Remember...

Looking into the blood stained waters, he could see that blood blemished the once clear waters. 

_I need to see her. Aoshi thought as he stared off towards Tokyo. I need to see her..._

The stream carried its scarlet content, as it traveled further away from them. And through the blood, they could make out the outline of a petite figure. Aoshi leapt into the murky liquid without much of a thought, and his eyes adjusted so that he could see. 

_Misao-chan hates Aoshi-sama....Aoshi-sama hates Misao-chan....that's the way it will always be..._

He neared the body, and he all he could do was stare at its lifeless form. With heaviness set in his heart, he took her unconscious form into his arms, holding onto her with his dear life as he swam upward.

Remember...

When he emerged from the waters, he heard Kenshin and Sano gasp, and for the first time in a long time he studied her inch by inch. Her body lay exposed beneath his coat, in which he had wrapped securely around her lifeless body. Her blood drenched his clothes, but he could not bear letting her go as he clung onto her with all his heart. Every inch of her face was perfection, despite the blood covering her completely, her beauty seemingly reached out to him.

_She has your heart and would always have your heart. You just can't understand it! How much you need her. You just don't understand how much she loves you and how much you love her. Perhaps you never will._

Her lifeless body killed his hopes that this was all just a nightmare. Her eyes, when opened was the soft color of the sky, would forever remain closed. And the light and hope that clung to her had disappeared.

_You have to tell her. Before it's too late because you will have lost the chance for happiness. Tell her that you love her._

He sunk to his knees; a strange feeling overwhelmed him and he felt a burning sensation in his eyes. He reached up and he felt the tears… the strange wetness that now came freely from his eyes. He stayed there for a moment clutching her body in his arms; the light had suddenly faded away from his life. The winds of the past carried away her voice, _Aishiteru Aoshi-sama. He felt barren and alone. The tears were coming slowly, and he could not stop them… nor did it matter to him anymore. _

_Who? Yuri what are you talking about?_

_Yuri shook her head ruefully, You still can't see it, but I can._

_Aishiteru Misao... _his sudden and erupt thought was carried away from him, and the surprise of the revelation marked him. All the bruises that was proof of her painful death, left bruises on his heart and all the cuts, marks on his soul. Without Misao, he was nothing._ Yuri, this is what she had been talking about all along. I've loved Misao all along...but its too late now._ It was too late for her, too late for him...too late for their love.

Remember...

His gaze went from skies and back to the girl in his arms, the tears never stopped, and he simply didn't care. These tears were just like the tears that day...the day when he had denied her love. Kenshin knelt next to him, but Aoshi never looked away from Misao's face. It was as if he believed that if he stared at her long enough, then her eyes would suddenly open and she would flash one of her cheerful smile. Kenshin turned back to Sano, who had turned away from the sight, but not before Kenshin caught sight of the moisture on his face. Kenshin's own eyes misted in grief, and he looked down at Misao, and noticed that small droplets of jeweled water were slowly dripping onto her. His eyes looked upward into the gray skies and saw that it had begun to rain harder, highlighting Misao's death as the wind blew harshly through his hair. The winds blew Aoshi's bangs from his face, and Kenshin thought he could see tears coming from them, but wasn't sure because of the falling rain. But what he did know was the look Aoshi held on his face. The look of one that had lost anything , and everything he had loved. The look of one that had been damned.

_Aishiteru Aoshi...always.  


* * *

_He walked behind them, his footsteps silent as a cat and his eyes never leaving his beloved's lifeless features. He was vaguely aware of the pouring rain and of the two men who walked ahead of him, their heads bowed in mourning, but his icy blue eyes never left her face. The trio walked solemnly through Tokyo's hushed streets towards the dojo, each harboring their own torment in the still of the night.

Kenshin neared the gates of the dojo first and opened it, and the trio moved wordlessly through them. The silence was so unbearable, but that was what Aoshi would have to learn to adjust to. The silence and darker side of life that he had managed to escape with her help...but now she was gone and he was more vulnerable to its beckoning than ever.

He looked up, but as soon as he did, he wished he hadn't. Because what met him were faces with hopeful expressions and happiness to see them back. He looked away from them and back to his angel's comforting face. 

"Aoshi?" Okina asked suddenly after a few moments of silence.

As lightning flew across the sky, they could catch a glimpse of Aoshi. He held something in his arms and dark red liquid tainted his dark clothing. 

"Aoshi...daijobou?" Okina asked again, and again received no answer. 

"Kenshin? What happened? Where's Misao-chan?" Kaoru asked, trying to break the silence.

Meanwhile, Aoshi was studying Misao one last time, etching her lovely features into his mind along with all the other memories of her. He murmured a soft goodbye, and felt his world crumble around him and the aching throb of his heart increase so awfully. He walked over to Okina and wordlessly handed Misao's lifeless form to the old man and left just as quickly. Aoshi could still hear their voices, Kenshin was telling them the news, and the woman's heartbreaking wails filled the air around him, but it was all thrown to the background as a dying whisper swept through his mind.

_Aishiteru Aoshi...always _

The words swirled around him carried in the gale of emotions that swept through him, and then there was nothing but silence once more. Nothing but the empty silence. _.. 

* * *

_

Plans were soon being made for Misao's funeral, which was only a few days away. It had been decided that she would be buried in next to her fallen friends. Aoshi, himself, remade the graves and even made Misao's. It was long and distressing work to plan her funeral. There was not a day that went by without someone breaking down crying. Whether it was Kaoru, or Yu, or even Okina. A sort of depression had settled over the small dojo and everyone in town could sense it. The visitors from Kyoto had decided to stay a few more days after Misao's funeral, for some reason unknown. And the Oniwa came from different places across Japan to pay their respects to their late okashira.

* * *

The rising sun painted an indigo hue merged with a soft pink and pale yellow across the morning sky, the clouds that had been present in the past week had suddenly vanished leaving behind soft breezes. The birds flew once more, their songs spreading in the air. It was truly a beautiful day, but not for certain individuals. For this morning was the morning when they would find that their nightmares, in actuality was not a nightmare. Because today...today was the day they will bury their lovely angel in the cold dark ground. Today was the day that Aoshi, Mei, and the others would have to bid farewell to Makimachi Misao.   
  
Mei woke up quietly, tears that she had wept last night stained her cheeks and new ones began to appear as she remembered suddenly the event that would take place that day. _Misao... _Mei still could not comprehend the day had came. The day when her best friend, almost a sister was gone...forever. Misao, the last survivor of the Makimachi blood had died, leaving behind just a few traces that proved that she had been there. Mei wiped the tears from her eyes just as the door to her room slid open and in came Kaoru holding a sleeping Asuko in her arms. They looked at each other and no words were spoken in their mutual understanding. It was time to pay their last respects to Misao and start the funeral service.

* * *

Mei laid the bundle of flowers on Misao's grave, biding her a final farewell. She glanced at the other headstones that accompanied Misao's. The four stood around, gleaming a dull light, with Misao's smaller grave, made of a white stone Aoshi had carved out. And as her eyes traveled around at the crowd around Misao's grave, she saw the weeping women and the men's misted eyes, and her resolve to not to cry faded away as she broke down into her own tears, and was enclosed in an embrace from Sa. "Daijobou Mei-san, Misao-sama will always be alive in our hearts, just as long as you remember, she will always be with us...deep within she will be with us."

"Do you think she is happy? Wherever she is, do you think she's smiling at us right now?"

"Aa. I know she is." 

* * *

Mei sat quietly meditating in the shade of her favorite tree. She looked over to Misao's grave and felt somewhat comforted. It had been at least a month since her burial, yet the grief it caused never really faded. Misao was an unforgettable person. The Oniwabanshuu were still staying with them at the dojo, and it seemed that the two groups were doing their best to console and keep the other strong. The past month had been filled with their reminiscences of Misao. They each related how they had first met Misao. Some stories were funny, others were serious, and even ones like Kenshin's, which was dramatic and funny at the same time. 

He had gone into the story as if it had happened just yesterday. They all had listened, imagining Misao as he related his tale. They could all imagine Misao, with her seductive voice, luring the gangsters in, and the cockiness in her stance as she fought them. In their minds, they pictured Misao's determination as she leapt across the ravine, almost making it, showing Kenshin her strong will as he saved her. The speech she had made before the jump touched the very core of their hearts. The words were so like Misao, full of hope and unlimited determination. Mei's eyes had strayed to Aoshi who had remained silent through the whole conversation, his face still impassive. The anger shook her. How could he not feel anything? After all Misao had been through for him, didn't he understand? 

Now as she meditated underneath the treetops, the breeze swept through her long black hair blowing it across her face. The breeze cooled her body, forcing her to wrap the mantle tighter around herself. A rustle in the bushes caused her head to snap up, and eyes narrowed at the sight of the person who stepped away from the shadows. 

"Yuri-san." Harshness underlined her voice as she spoke. "Nande?" 

Yuri faltered a bit, and as Mei looked into her eyes, what she saw shocked her beyond words. Yuri's eyes were puffy red from crying, and another emotion lay within their depths. An emotion she had seen in Misao's eyes that day when she had told Mei about Aoshi's rejection. The very same one.Compassion overtook her and she smiled at Yuri. 

"I needed to talk to you Mei-san." 

"What about?" 

"Aoshi." Yuri looked at her square in her eyes. "Please take care of him for me. He needs the Oniwabanshuu even more now that Misao is gone." 

"Doushite? What are you talking about?" 

"I'm not going to return to Kyoto with you and the others tomorrow. I am going to France to live with my father and younger sister." 

"Demo… you are engaged to Aoshi!" 

"I am no longer betrothed to him." 

"Doushite?" Mei followed Yuri's eyes as it traveled to the skies. 

* * *

Aoshi…It pained Yuri to see Aoshi this way. Despite the fact that he didn't show anything, she knew his thoughts and his emotions. He was suffering inside, slowly losing what was left of his sanity. Misao's death had enlightened her. She regretted what she was about to do. She shouldn't leave him in such a state, but this was for the best. She could no longer call him hers. Not when she knew his heart had belonged to someone else this whole time, never had it belonged to her. 

"Aoshi." Her voice sounded weak and saddened in her own ears. 

"Nande?" His gentle tone reached her ears, weakening her resolve, but she continued. 

"I need to talk to you." Yuri walked over and sat down next to Aoshi, whose eyes slowly opened, from his meditations. She searched their depths, and she knew. Her suspicions were confirmed and how they hurt her. 

"You loved her." 

Such simple words, but to Aoshi they stung. 

"Onegai, don't deny it. You loved her all along. It took her death to make us both realize it." 

"Yuri…" Aoshi looked down at her, and she put a finger to his lips. 

"Shh…daijobou. I knew all along, sort of. Your heart was never mine. You were never mine. Even now your heart and spirit is with her. Aoshi, I love you so much, but I cannot compete with the spirit of the one who has you and your heart." Yuri smiled weakly and stroked his cheek. "I don't regret anything that has happened. You are the best thing that has happened to me, but I have to move on. Sayonara." 

She gave him no chance to reply as she cut off his words with a soft kiss, knowing that this would be their last. She broke away, her eyes misty. "I will pray to Kami-sama to protect your love. I hope that one day you will be together again." 

With that she slipped quickly from the room, running until she reached the outdoors where she collapsed in tears. "Aishiteru Aoshi. Onegai, watch over him and lead him to you again Misao-chan." 

* * *

"Yuri, I'm sorry. Daijobou?" Mei asked as the older woman wept. Yuri gave her a teary smile and nodded her head. "I'm fine. The pain will subside. I know their love is strong even if they never got to share it with each other. They will be together someday. I only regret coming in between them, and now it's too late." 

"Iie, it's not your fault. Misao never blamed you." Mei's voice soothed her and Yuri smiled again. "Sayonara Mei." 

"Sayonara. I will pray for your happiness." 

"Arigatou." 

That was the last Mei would see Yuri until the day they would meet again in later years. 

* * *

Aoshi stood in front of Misao's grave, his eyes never leaving it as emotions burned inside of him. He still refused to let them free and they were flaming inside of him. 

_You loved her._

_Aa, I do_. Aoshi thought as he sat down before her grave, feeling a comfort from being around her essence. He loved her, but it now made no difference. They were never meant to be together, their love explored and shared. There was never meant to be Aoshi and Misao, friends, lovers, parents, grandparents. His eyes lowered as he went into a dreamlike state, visions began to flash through his mind, finally he found himself in a field. 

She was beautiful. She stood before him in all her glory and splendor. Her eyes shining with mirth and a smile lit her face. He held out a hand to her, reaching out to bring her back to him, but the closer he came to her, the further she drifted away from him. He could only watch as the darkness overwhelmed her, and the light faded from her eyes, the smile vanishing from her face. _Misao! _The darkness then began to settle upon him, and he looked blindly around searching for Misao. _Misao! _

_Aoo…ssshii…sa…m..a!  Her screams faded into the howling winds as he stood frozen, not able to move. Then he saw her again, this time he could not say anything to her, all he could do was watch as the tears burst from her eyes, flowing down her bloodied face, not even noticing the figure emerging from the shadows, ready to strike her down. _

"MISAO!!" 

Aoshi yelled, waking from his small daydream, sweat pouring down his face. He looked to her grave and saw it covered with blood, the blood that also stained his hands. Her blood... It dripped around him, everywhere he looked he saw nothing but scarlet liquid. Her voice taunting him as he had before.

_Iie! Aoshi-sama hates Misao-chan....and Misao-chan hates Aoshi-sama...it's the way its always been._

The scene faded away leaving him to stand in front of a bloody Misao, just like before. She held his kodachis in her hands, wounds covering her, and she had that same sad smile on her face. The smile grew wider as he rushed forward, only to catch her falling figure as the kodachis pierced through her. She looked up at him, and smiled as the tears slowly came from his eyes.

"Doushite? Why are you crying? I am dying just like you wanted..." 

Aoshi clutched her closer, shaking his head. "Iie, I don't want you to die. Don't die Misao...I..I..Aishiteru."

Misao just stared at him, and then she closed her eyes. "It's too late..." 

And Aoshi held Misao as the life faded from her once more. "MISAO!!"

Her form faded away, leaving him alone in the shadows that haunted him still.

* * *

"Aoshi?" 

A voice slowly lured him out of the darkness and he suddenly knew who was calling him. "Battousai?"

Opening his eyes, Aoshi could see that it was in fact Kenshin who stood in front of him. 

"Aoshi." Kenshin repeated the same sadness and understanding was still in his voice. 

"Nande?" Aoshi's eyes never left Misao's grave. 

"We all miss her." Kenshin began, looking at Aoshi for any reaction. 

"…" None whatsoever. 

"She was a great friend. Helping Kaoru and taking care of Asuko." Kenshin sat down next to Aoshi. "We all loved her. She was important to us…" 

"It isn't your fault. You cannot blame yourself for her death." Kenshin did not expect the younger man to reply. 

"Her blood stains my hand. It is my fault she is dead." 

"You couldn't have possibly know what was going to happen. None of us did, otherwise…" 

"I broke my promise to her. I wasn't there when she needed me. It is my fault she died." Despite Kenshin's protests the only thing Aoshi could see was Misao's blood staining his friends' graves. His head was bowed. "Sumen minna, I've failed her…all I ever caused her was heartache and tears." 

"Aoshi… you can't blame yourself for their deaths…or Misao-dono's… they wouldn't want you to live your life in damnation for something that was beyond your control." 

"..."

"Aoshi, did you love Misao-dono?" He waited for a few minutes for Aoshi's response and when he received none he stood up to leave. 

Finally a cool and steady voice answered his question. "Aa, I did..."

Kenshin turned around to Aoshi. "Aoshi..."

"But she must have despised me...after all that she's been through." 

Kenshin turned back to Aoshi, and for the first time saw emotions raging in Aoshi's eyes. Guilt, pain, and the look of a man who had lost the most important person in their life. Kenshin finally understood, he understood all too much. He had felt that way when he had lost Tomoe. His years as a rurouni did not erase those memories…he could still see her dying form in his arms. The nightmares still haunted him. He understood the suffering of one who had lost their love. Taking a look at Aoshi, he wasn't sure what would happen to the younger man. He had realized his love for Misao when it was too late. Kenshin racked his mind for words to soothe Aoshi's guilt and pain. 

"Iie. She didn't hate you. She never could have. Aoshi…Misao-dono…she still loved you." 

Aoshi looked up at Kenshin, his eyes narrowing in disbelief. "How…?" 

"It takes a lot to change someone's heart. Especially if their love is as strong and true as Misao-dono's." 

"…" 

And he was gone, leaving Aoshi to his own tormented thoughts and anguish. Aoshi rose to his feet and took one last look at the graves, only then did he notice a small book lying behind one of them. He picked up the fragile object, and his hands trembled as he read its title. _Journal of Makimachi Misao. _ _

* * *

_

Aoshi glanced down at the grave for the last time, his hand running across its cool surface. He had come here to bid farewell to Misao and the others. His faced showed a certain tenderness as he spoke quietly. "Sayonara Misao, wait for me."

Then he looked away, and the mask slipped into place again, hardening even more. Just as his heart had. Somehow he had managed to bury all those emotions and now he was to be the cold-hearted okashira once more. No one was there to warm his heart of ice, no one to break down the walls that surrounded his emotions. His trench coat flew about him as he silently left the clearing, not even once did he look back for there was nothing for him there.

He watched as the rest of his comrades exchanged goodbyes with the Kenshin-gumi. He stood before them as they began their journey home. His mind was far away, and he could faintly hear the gallops of a horse as one passed by them heading into the opposite direction. Okina stared at Aoshi whose face was even more impassive than ever, his features even more hard. It was happening over again, Aoshi was beginning to crawl back into his shell, but this time no one was there to help and watch over him. 

* * *

**Author's notes:** The angst level may be shifting again. I don't know *shrugs* Minna, I've got to tell you. I didn't like this chapter. And don't mind that poem at the beginning. It's something I wrote a while back and it wasn't very good ^_^;; Send comments, onegai ^o^x. Now onto chapter 13. Wait, I'm too sleepy. I'll write it later. =)


	16. Deep Within: Ch. 13

a:link{text-decoration:underline} a:visted{text-decoration:none} a:hover{text-decoration:underline overline;cursor:crosshair}  Deep Within

**Deep Within  
By Jen **  
  
_Is love really the tragedy the way you  
might describe?  
Or would a thousand lovers  
still leave you cold inside?  
Make you cry...  
These tears of pearls  
All these mixed emotions  
we keep locked away like stolen pearls  
Stolen pearl devotions we  
keep locked away from all the world  
-tears of pearls _Savage Garden

Chapter 13- Dying Hopes: I just want to forget, onegai…

Every parting gives a foretaste of death,  
every reunion a hint of the resurrection.  
- Arthur Schopenhauer 

She was floating in a sea of serenity. The pains that had wracked her body a few moments before had suddenly vanished, leaving behind no traces of her sufferings. The blood that had matted her hair had disappeared along with the dark emotions that had suddenly sprang up in her. Misao's tranquil eyes opened to find herself in a small field, and looking around her, she suddenly felt a familiar presence... _Hannya? And sure enough his ghostly image appeared before her and Misao ran to him and threw her arms around him. He embraced her, but Misao could feel the sorrow around him and looked up at his face questioningly. "Hannya?" _

"Misao-chan. I am happy to see you again." He said, the traces of joy evident in his voice, but was almost buried underneath the grief that dripped in his voice. 

"Hannya? Daijobou? Where are we?" She let go of him to look at him expectantly. 

"Misao, you're not supposed to be here yet." 

"Nani? What do you mean? Where are we?" 

"Sumen Misao-chan, I can't tell you now." Hannya suddenly looked past her, and Misao turned to see what he was looking at. "Aoshi-sama..." 

"Aoshi-sama? Where?" Misao turned around fully and looked for Aoshi, but did not find him. She noticed too late the pain that jolted her head and she turned to see Hannya's remorseful face. She began to cough up blood, and suddenly felt something inside of her awaken. "Hannya? Doushite?" 

"Sumen Misao-chan. You're not meant to be here yet." The last thing she saw before her vision faded were the ghostly forms of Hannya and the rest of them. _Minna.. _

Soujiro stood patiently waiting for his friend to arrive, but he could not get the feeling of uneasiness to leave him. He turned back towards the woods where the evil life energy seemed to be coming from. Deciding that his friend would wait for him if he was late, Soujiro ran into the forest. 

Pain. It was everywhere. Her body was aching, her heart was throbbing. Suddenly the agony had shot through her, and once more she felt and remembered the torture of his hands scoring her body, bruising and cutting her. Misao's eyes opened quickly and the ruby water rushed around her. Blinking, she found herself tied up and unable to move. Her lungs were burning for air, and she began to try and free her arms from their restraints. She felt the air suddenly leave her body as she worked quickly to undo her confined hands. She felt the ends began to loosen up, and suddenly they snapped apart. Misao used what was left of her strength to swim through the scarlet that surrounded her. Emerging from the water, she dragged herself onto shore and collapsed exhausted for a few moments as the world seemed to disappear around her. Coughs wracked her body, and her eyes closed tightly in pain. In her eyes and memories all she could remember was his cold silver eyes as they stared into her eyes maliciously while he slowly and forcefully took away her innocence. Pulling herself up, Misao gazed at her reflection in the water, and was disgusted at the face that looked back at her. She suddenly felt dirty and guilty and all she could see in her mind was an adulterated and corrupt woman. A woman who did not deserve to be living and breathing as she was right now. 

Blood matted her hair and her beautiful kimono barely covered her body. The evidence of the torture could be seen on her body from wounds that continued to bleed. Her battered body was heaving with the effort it took for her to breathe, and her eyes had suddenly took upon the look of shame. Shame of herself for not taking the shorter way back to the dojo. Shame for letting the man to touch her and ravage her. Shame for allowing this to happen to her. 

In the midst of all the heightening emotions, reality set in fully, coming in full force to shock and pain her. She had been raped. A man she knew nothing of had dared to hurt her. Anger grew steadily in her. She directed the anger towards that man, and at herself. After months of keeping them buried, and all she had kept to herself, the emotions bursted free, along with the tears she had once believed would not come. 

Tears cascaded down her cheeks, like burning drops of rain bursting free from a cloud of emotions that had been building for a long time and finally bursted free. The tears came and Misao let them come. Finally freeing herself of emotions buried for the past year. Suddenly she felt soiled, unclean and she saw leaves on the ground. She grabbed them and began to rub them fiercely on her already injured body, trying to erase what had happened. New wounds began to appear on her, but she ignored the pain and continued to cleanse herself. A new thought hit her. _Aoshi...I've betrayed him... _

Yes she had betrayed him. She didn't wait for him and now she did not deserve him anymore. She was dirty and unclean. Of course Aoshi would pick Yuri._ Gomen nasai, Aoshi-sama. Gomen nasai. It was my entire fault. No wonder you didn't love me. What could I offer you? _

Misao dropped the leaves and collapsed again, her suffering continued to grow, and her vision was slowly fading. _I'm dying, she thought painfully. Wasn't this what she always wanted? __Yes, she thought, __yes yes yes. Especially now that death would be merciful. She welcomed death with open arms, and embraced its promises willingly. _

She watched, feeling almost sympathetic for the young woman below her. Her grief touched the very core of her heart, almost so that Shizu, herself could feel the pain. _That poor girl... _

Shizu's eyes brimmed with tears, remembering the day when she had lost her innocence. Like, Makimachi she was young at the age of eighteen. She remembered the pains of her assailant thrusting himself continually into her, taking her away more and more of her virginity. Tears spilled down her cheeks as that fateful day began to replay over and over in her mind. 

She ran quickly as her silvery black hair flew behind her, terror was ever present in her gray eyes. 

"Oi! Jou-channn! Wheree aree youu goin....g? We just ..w.a..nt...to ..play with you!" One of the drunkard thugs yelled out. 

She ran harder, straining every muscle in her body. She was weak and haggard, having not eaten for days. She knew that if they managed to capture her, that she would not be able to fight them. She let out a yelp as she suddenly tripped over a rock. She backed up against a tree as they surrounded her, sneers growing on each of their faces. She let out a scream, which was silent to the rest of the world as one of the thugs grabbed her. 

She let out a few cries, trying to remain brave as they ravaged her over and over until each of them had their fill of pleasure. She thought that they would have just left her there lying close to death, but instead they had decided to take her with them, so that they might be able to please their urges at any time. She was of course crying. Was this her punishment for leaving her abusive father? _It couldn't be...  _

She was losing her conscious and she knew it very well. Suddenly she heard a muffled voice, and in a blur of a moment, her captors were on the ground lifeless. She looked up in fear at her savior, but the terror melted away when as she gazed into his beautiful silver eyes and feelings exploded in her. She was falling in those depths. 

Her sympathy would have outweighed her anger and need for revenge over the crying girl, if not for the fact that she was doing this for her okashira... her savior. She would sacrifice anything for the man that she had fallen in love with. She would do anything and everything for him. She had already given him her life, heart, and body to use at his disposal. She listened to the girl sob some more, a tear trickling down her own lovely face. 

"Aoshi...gomen ne...I've betrayed you." 

Shizu looked at the girl surprised, after all this time and all the pain Shinomori had put her through, she still loved him...loved him enough to believe that what had just happened was all her own fault. Saying a silent prayer of sympathy for the girl, Shizu leapt from the tree, with her tanto out. She fixed her target and aim it at the sobbing woman below her. 

Misao felt the dark wings of mortality wrap itself her frail, trembling figure, and she did nothing to stop it. The memories were too painful, and the future too bleak. Nothing was keeping her back, and nothing was left for her. She was wrong. She couldn't live without Aoshi. She loved him with all her heart, and knew that nothing could ever change that. Her senses picked up the ki of a new presence, and she looked up to see a woman crashing down with a tanto drawn. Reacting only on instinct, Misao weakly rolled away just before she could be sliced with the woman's weapon. She continued to roll away from the woman, dodging her attacks, despite herself. She was backed up against the stream, and one move from her would make her fall in. The woman attacked again, and this time Misao stayed still, closing her eyes as she waited for her indisputable demise to come. When nothing happened, she opened her eyes again to see someone she had not seen in a long time, he was charging towards them, weapon drawn. 

"Seta...Soujiro..." She faintly whispered as he rushed forward to them, and the last thing she heard before the world vanished around her, was the splash of cold water. 

She opened her eyes, and what she saw surprised her. She was in Okina's garden at the Aoiya! What was she doing here? Footsteps echoed through the garden and she looked up to see a woman with long black hair with a bluish tint to it, her sapphire like eyes matched Misao's own. Everything about the two of them was the same, save for the facts that Misao was younger and a bit shorter. Misao watched as the woman edged closer to her, and a gentle voice of long-ago sounded through her mind, and Misao's eyes became large when she finally recognized the woman. "..O..Okaasan!" 

"Misao, my precious daughter! How I've missed you!" Misaka took in Misao's shivering body in a warm embrace, tears beginning to trail down her cheeks. Misaka pulled her daughter to arm's length to examine her. Misao was beautiful with eyes that matched the calm morning sky, and hair that resembled the mysterious midnight sky. Her frail figure was accented by the moonlight, and Misaka was surprised to see silvery lines streaming down her daughter's face. Misaka pulled Misao closer and searched her eyes, emotions raged wild in those unfathomable depths, emotions and hardships. "Misao…?" 

Misao said nothing more, and all her restraints burst as she collapsed in her mother's arms weeping out all the anguish that had started since the day of her birth. Misaka held onto her daughter, comforting her…something she never had the chance to do while Misao was still alive. 

"Misao, tell me." Misao understood immediately and she began her heartbreaking story from the start, from the day of her birth to her, to her lost of innocence. 

Misaka listened to her daughter's teary voice as she held her beneath the shade of the Sakura trees. Misaka stroked her daughter's hair gently as she replayed the moments that had nearly destroyed her. Misaka knew of these events of course, even while in heaven she never stopped loving her daughter, always watching over her. How many times had she wanted to hold and console Misao, but couldn't because of her state of being? Misao sobbed wildly as she ended her story and Misaka began to murmur in her ears. 

"Sumen, sumen Misao."

"Nani? What are you talking about? Okaasan?" Misao watched in bewilderment as her mother began to fade away from vision. "OKAASAN!" 

The skies had begun to darken, and the mist began to seep in. Misao looked around frantically searching for her mother, but instead she found herself in a clearing. She was clad in a white satin kimono and her hair was free from any bindings. The wounds on her body had disappeared and she could see a younger version of herself playing with her older brother. Eiji's forest green eyes were shining with warmth and love for her as he tackled her and tickled her silly. A smile formed on her lips at the fond memory. _Oniichan… _

The scene vanished and she could see Aoshi sitting quietly meditating. She was coming near him with a tray of tea. 

"Aoshi-sama."_ _

Her soft voice echoed through the silent temple. He looked up and her breath caught as his icy blue eyes penetrated her very being and she could feel herself falling in love with him over again. _Aoshi-sama… _

"Misao?" 

"Huh? Hai. Gomen nasai, Aoshi-sama. I was just thinking." Misao sat down in front of him and began the tea ritual. 

"Daijobou."

Misao smiled as she handed Aoshi the cup. He nodded his head in thanks. Misao sat quietly sipping her tea. Her heart was in turmoil. Did he love her or not? The question had been lurking in her mind for the past weeks. He had suddenly began to avoid her, going to the temple earlier and leaving before she could come with his tea. Today she had been lucky to catch him. She wanted to know oh so badly if he shared her feelings. 

"Aoshi-sama…Aishiteru." The words came out suddenly and freely without her control, and only did she regret them, was when she saw the look upon Aoshi's face. She knew and she had to get away from him. How could she possibly bear the pain of those words? "Gomen nasai Aoshi-sama." 

"Daijobou. You were only expressing your true feelings. Demo…" 

"It's ok Aoshi-sama Really! I understand. You don't have to say anything."

Misao tried to leave, but his grip on her arm kept her in place. She looked at him, pleading for him to let her go. _Onegai let me go…. She looked at him, her unvoiced plea continued in her mind. __Onegai. _

As if he had heard her plea, he released her arm and she ran away the tears flowing behind her. 

Misao stopped and found herself in her office writing and looking over some papers. She had many duties as an okashira. She heard a knock at the door and looked up to see Aoshi come in. 

"Misao, will you come to dinner tonight?" 

"Nani? Why?" 

"Yuri and I have something important to tell everyone." 

"Important?"Misao's heart constricted, as she knew what the news would be."Hai."

"Arigatou."

Aoshi turned away but looked back and Misao knew what he would say. 

"Daijobou Aoshi, I understand. You don't need to say anything."

_Onegai don't. Her heart screamed out. He nodded and left her. She sat down and began to write her last entry in her journal. _

She cried out as she felt his rough hands violated her body and she felt him inside of her. The pain would not go away, and all she could do was scream in agony. His silver eyes gleamed evilly as he washed her reactions, taking it upon himself to hurt her more. 

The splash of cold water surrounded her senses and the memories flew around her, suffocating her. 

"Gomen nasai Misao."

Misao looked around to find her in that same clearing she had been standing with Hannya before. The field was filled with wildflowers and birds and other little animals running around freely. This place was the picture of serenity…this was what Misao had been looking for. 

"Doushite? Why are you sorry? 

"Because Misao, we knew that you would have to live through all your pain once more before you could decide anything." Another voice intercepted. 

"Otousan!!" Misao threw her arms around her father, who held his angel closer. 

"Misao, you must decide whether you want to continue to live, or just let your physical body die. Once dead, your spirit will then search for your lost soul." 

"Ojiisan! Hannya, Hyotokotto, Beshimi, Shikijou… you're all here." 

"Of course Misao-chan, we love you very much, and now we are here to help you make a choice." Beshimi replied gently. 

"A choice… a choice to live- or to die?" 

"Hai, Misao. A choice." Her mother whispered. 

"I will be happy again? I won't feel tormented anymore?" 

"Iie. Misao, the reason you have the option to choose… is because your heart has already died from this grief, but something is also pulling you back to life. Can't you feel it?" 

Suddenly Misao felt something awaken inside of her, it was calling her back, luring her to choose life over death. "Hai, okaasan what is it?"__

"I cannot say, demo… Misao if you die, it will not guarantee your happiness." 

"Nani?" 

"If you die, there is a chance you may not make it to heaven to be with us. When you died, your soul had already been lost. Despite what you may have thought, your heart never truly healed and your soul never fully returned. You will wonder between the land of death and living until you have finished all your business on earth…then and only then would you be allowed to come into heaven and find peace." 

"Minna, what should I do?" Misao asked, her heart torn between her choices. 

"We cannot tell you Misao. It is your choice." 

"But how? I don't know what to do anymore. Onegai help me!" 

"Follow your heart Misao, what does it say?" 

"My heart just wants to forget… I just want to forget, onegai…it hurts so much, let me forget." 

"Then you will be granted your wish."

"Okaasan?" 

"Follow the light Misao." 

"Okaasan?!" At the end of the dark path, she suddenly saw a bright light standing there, waiting for her. 

"Enter the light Misao." 

She ran towards it, and flung herself into it without so much as a thought. 

_I want to forget...it hurts so much..,___

Owari~*tbc*~

Author's Notes: Let me explain some things. This chapter takes place before chapter 12 a & b. They had not yet found her body in this chapter yet, this was while Aoshi, Sano, and Kenshin were taking hours to find her. I don't know why I just didn't put this before chapter 12 *shrugs* I guess I didn't feel like it. I know what you're thinking. How could there be more to this thing? Well, you just have to wait and see. Oh yea ^_^;; Send comments, onegai!

[Deep Within ][1]  
[Chapter 12b][2]|Chapter 14

   [1]: jdw.htm
   [2]: dw12b.htm



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